The Great Rock & Roll Swindon

The Great ‘Rock n Roll’ Swindon

‘Do you feel lucky punk?’ was a much quoted line from the Clint Eastwood film
Dirty Harry.

But what exactly Merthyr Town manager Paul Michael said to the referee wasn’t caught by me, as unfortunately, due to my dodgy bladder, I was too busy ‘pointing Percy at the porcelain’ in the portacabin toilets of the Webbswood stadium, discussing the penalty decision with a home fan, who merely uttered that ‘it was soft’.

I assume he was talking about the 66th minute controversial award that handed the game on a plate to Swindon Supermarine- but I didn’t stay long enough to find out, within seconds there was a loud cacophony of sound of oohs ( It is Wiltshire after all) and ahs coming from the Home fans.

I haven’t heard that sound since Eric Cantona kung fu kicked a Crystal Palace fan in the mid- nineties.

But ‘never mind the bollocks’,

Which coincidentally could have been the phrase Paul Michael used to vent his anger at the man in the black and not the official club line of ‘Referee Sir, I suspect you made a slight faux paux in that defender, Mr Turl, didn’t take the ball cleanly otherwise why does the Merthyr player ‘pogoing’-having only one leg left?”

He allegedly continued:

“One would respectfully suggest that you produce from your pocket a card of the colour of your choice to denote the severity of the tackle’.

On a hot Summer’s day in the Wiltshire Home of our most famous World War 2 aircraft , it was understandable that the manager would ‘spit fire’, especially as he was to frustratingly lose his captain and right back Adam Davies in the warm-up and was forced to play a winger out of position at the back.

And try as he might, poor Sama tried to contain winger Sal Abubaker but looked about as comfortable as having a fart in a space suit.

He was beaten more times Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.

For the first twenty minutes the replacement player struggled to find his bearings and must have thought he was in Disneyland with his back to that huge Swindon EPCOT centre.

The Marine pitch is so narrow and tiny it seems more suited to Subbuteo than Southern League Premier Football and compared to the big wide open spaces of Penydarren Park looks like a five a side pitch.

But to the credit of the ploughsman and his shire horses, it is a beautifully kept surface, built specifically with just enough room to allow the take-off and landing of a Spitfire or Hurricane but not big enough for a Heinkel or Messerschmitt.

Perhaps that is what the referee misheard from the Merthyr version of Alan Pardew- referring to ‘Fokker’?

Anyway, having three matches in the space of seven days, Merthyr were forced into making a ‘raft’ of changes, dropping newly signed Kontiki to the wooden bench.

With a week left before making our customary first round exit from the FA Cup, it was essential that we didn’t field our best team at Legoland Wiltshire, but keep one or two surprises back for the watching Truro City scout, who had paddle boarded up from Cornwall on the back of a post-Brexit River turd.

So perhaps that was on the Merthyr Managers mind when he told the whistleblower to be quiet- FA Cup*- was probably misinterpreted in his speedy tongue Welsh dialect ( or should that be Dia-alect?).

*Note for Ownes- think about it.

It was a crying shame when our apoplectic boss man was sent off from the field of play only to appear like a Swindon housefly trapped in the changing room window-as Paul Michael truly became Paul Michael ‘Glazier’ - only able to see up through the tilt n turn aperture at the late afternoon ‘Star Sky’ in that ‘Hutch’.

He would therefore have missed Man of the Match for me, Alex John almost equalising after a full length dive by home keeper and yokel cousin Johns in the Swindon Goal.

I notice that the Swindon cameraman didn’t take a still image of that attempt as a slow motion shot would have revealed that the effort would have crossed the line bar for a ‘ROCK cake and bread ROLL’ baked by the Swindon ‘Delia’ Smith strategically placed on the inside of the goal line.

The Webbswood is always a difficult place to try and get a result but the young Merthyr team battled well against a much more experienced and more physical Marine outfit, who should really have been clad in ‘Navy’.

It is even harder with a marksman of the quality of Douglas Bader upfront in the form of 8 goal Williams.

It was he that scored the double to see off the Maher Marksman who levelled the tie just before the break.

His clinical finishing in the England/ Wales Battle of Britain was pivotal, as was the form of Author turned County footballer, Tom Sharpe, who didn’t ‘Wilt’ either.

But if Merthyr thought they were hard done by then the BBC Wiltshire camera crew up in the Gods caught on film something missed by most Merthyr Fans.

No- it was not Lord Lucan hiding in the Ancient Board room, nor a drought crazed unicorn - nor the sight of a grown man wearing a bun to work- but a judo throw by our Amish bearded number 5 on poor Liddiard, whilst defending the corner.

Now he also looked like he had a fart in his spacesuit as he rocked and rolled in a moon crater with all the grace of a hippopotamus on Dancing on Ice.

The fact that the midfielder would have probably dislodged the rest of the lost footballs hiding in the line of conifer trees above behind the goal causing an
Adidas Avalanche was not taken on board by the referee, who had no doubt but to point to the spot for the wrestling ‘Basho’.

A real ‘rock and roll Swindon’ after all then.

Sometimes given - but usually ignored as it happens regularly throughout 90 minutes in Sumo-thern League Premier Matches week-in week out.

Let’s hope we get a different referee when Saturday Comes.

And that we can ‘manage’ to keep 11 men on the pitch and not have any more ‘Anarchy in the UK’ on the sidelines.



Boz