It's only Thurrock n Roll- but I like it

It's only Thurrock n Roll - but I like it

Well East Thurrock United came down from the Smoke to the rainswept Welsh Valleys and escaped with a draw.

Unlike the late equaliser from Kettering last week, I don't think they 'Thurrockly' deserved it.

Whilst defensively they looked 'Rock' solid, they didn't really offer much upfront against a reshuffled pack of Merthyr cards including the return from injury of the young midfielder Elliott.

He was the one who had the phone call home to play against ET.

It was Scotcher on Thurrocks.

In the first half, their Legal 'Alien' , Baltic Keeper Lucas Lidakevicus , who looked like the lead character Walter White from Breaking Bad, must have been freezing in the cold wind and driving rain.

Thurrock was definitely not cooking.

His goal kicks were probably Merthyr's best attacking option, as the ball not only held up in the air, but threatened to rebound back as an own goal, such was the strength of the wind on the day.

The conditions weren't conducive to allow good football to be played, certainly not in the air - as even the birds were flying sideways.

On the pitch, Captain Marble , Ashley Evans played his own version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, as he ran the show in the middle of the Park breaking up the Rocks, like he was a prisoner on a chain gang, cutting through the paper- thin Thurrock Defence with his decisive passing and 'shear' class.

But the Rocks had their own 'Mull of Kintyre' at the back in the shape of their 5, Rickie Hayles.

True, with a name like that he was better suited to the weather conditions, but he was a credit to his side, as he repelled wave after wave of attacks and of course the awesome facial hair of the Prossiah which has morphed in a hairy Twitter friend.

It was also great to see the player smiling , when he put the occasional pass into touch with his triangular happy feet.

In conditions normally found in a Nursing Home ( Wet and Windy) the Away side survived many a first half scare, with the Martyrs unlucky not to take the lead when Vapour Traylor defied the weather conditions and curled a shot which was destined for the top left hand corner.

The Baltic keeper Lidakevicius , whose name alone costs £35.00 to have on the back of a football shirt, showed no signs of 'Riga' Mortis, as he spectacularly palmed away the certain goal.

He was also saved by his bar from another looping header from John Brown's full bodied attempt on goal.

So the teams went in level at Half Time with the weather being the major factor in influencing the goalless scoreline.

In the second half, the Martyrs came out of the blocks the quickest, with the Holy Beard, dribbling his way through the London defence using step over after step over- almost as if he had holes in his feet.

It was no surprise then that the new Non- League Jamie Vardy -Gethin Jones -hammered the ball through a hole in the stretched defence of the London Rock Wall that was almost as big as that of the Hatton Garden diamond depository.

It seemed only a Martyr of time before Merthyr got the second passed the eroding Rocks, as the well 'drilled' Town piled on the pressure in the driving rain and howling wind.

But it just would not come and it was Rocky that hit Merthyr with a sucker punch , after several missed tackles from the Home defence allowed their wind assisted, large-eared 11 to head home a superb cross after a fine move on the left.

He seemed to hover in the air, like a drone over Syria, as Young Father Thames turned a drama into a Cr-Isis for the Home Management.

Once they had the equaliser, their game management took over and almost every tackle ended in a Thurrock player with his mobile phone out , lying on the 3G to a hostile reception - as they Thurrock and rolled to the tune of their 4G Capital I- phones.

In fairness, after one tough tackle on the edge of the area , by the legend that is Cortez Belle - their player got up and both his feet were facing the wrong way .

It was only when their twin female physio's came on and righted the problem by 'Lets Twist Again' did play restart.

I can only assume that Thurrock had heard about the Merthyr reputation and decided to go for safety in numbers.

In goal for the Town , the ever dependable Bradley had to face not just the onslaught from East Thurrock but frogs and locusts too.

The weather was atrocious- so bad it seemed to be affecting the not so Smart referee's arm, as it kept lifting for fouls against the Martyrs.

Merthyr tried to avoid another long haul midweek feat of endurance by bringing on our most potent goal threat in the shape of the semi-fit McGlaggon.

He tried to inject pace to the attack in face of the storm but not even he could influence the scoreline further.

On the touch line, Manager Jenks , dressed like Nanook of the North , shouted into the Perfect Storm his encouragement, but I couldn't work out if he was saying Hurry Kayne or Hurricane.

East Thurrock ( according to the Imp edited programme) is reported to be the miserable place to live in Britain.

After a six hour drive on the coach , one or two of our own Victor Meldrews should feel right at home.

I can hear the cries already on Tuesday night of 'get back in your Box' from our funeral director fans with one foot in Gravesend.

It would appear that the Only Way is Essex if we are to add to our net gain of £3.50 from the Hastings replayed matches- £4,000.00 and the chance of playing a Conference side is like winning the Lottery to our minnow clubs.

Based on the Thurrock sides theatrical performance today - I suspect whatever the result - Tuesday will be a 'Rollover'.

Boz

Boz1964 wrote:Well East Thurrock United came down from the Smoke to the rainswept Welsh Valleys....

Smoke on the Water...?!

Boz1964 wrote:In conditions normally found in a Nursing Home ( Wet and Windy)...

Or, as they are affectionately known, "the Board"!!

Load of bollocks

Sex Pistols album?....Boz

Loving that Boz although there are a few disparaging references but agree that sometimes Thurrock can be a miserable place - Safe journey down to all of you coming on Tuesday and if you need anymore local info please ask!!!

Cheers

Rocks

Oh and by the way Thurrock is Thurrock FC our erstwhile local rivals but now in a division below!!!!

Picky I know but we are EAST Thurrock FC

Cheers

Rocks....the reference to 'les miserable' was referred to in our programme....Merthyr has been referred to as having the laziest, work shy sickest, people in Britain- it is as true as the undisputable fact that all Welsh men can drink, sing and play rugby ( when in actual fact it is the women ) ...the references are intended as fun only and no offence intended....your 10 was nippy and looked a decent player but loved your Hayles playing with a smile on his face....that's what sport is all about...my humour is not intended to offend but to make light of what is at its basest level entertainment for us working class 'wage slaves' .....Look forward to your report on Tuesday.....Boz

Boz I laughed out loud and it was very funny - do you do every match report in that style? Well done as it brightened up a gloomy windy Sunday here in TOWIE land!!!!

Yes Rocks ...same jokes in each one too....if you look back through the threads on the Merthyr Forum ...they stand out like Dawn French at a supermodel convention.....my personal favourite ( I laugh at my own jokes as I have goldfish Alzheimer's ) is the one where we lost to Hartley Wintney in the Cup....Boz

I am back online. One of your best as usual would have not have guessed that one. Liked your one about the weather conditions in the old persons home, Mrs Ownes got that one.

My readership is growing like the population of China....get to see Penydarren has now been dragged kicking and screaming back into the Nineteenth Century.....Boz

All I know is it would take me half a day or more to write a report like the ones Boz contributes within an hour or two of a match finishing - and it would be nothing like as good.

By the way - source:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jul/25/thurrock-capital-misery

Imp, you do yourself an injustice.

Your reports are well written, factual and full of football.

Mine are purely for entertainment ( my own) and are best summed up by Muscles76.

But I enjoy writing them, probably as much as you enjoy reading your more serious and far more actual events - based on
Ine and programme write-ups.

To have my 'Great Train Robbery' lifted by Didcot was the ultimate accolade.

I enjoy the comments of away teams fans who have also enjoyed my humour.

We are lucky to have such a quality forum with contributions from you, Old Sod, Roving, Wandering and the like, interspersed with occasional 'characters'' from other sources...

That's what makes this forum interesting , funny and informative and I believe one of the best around.

Boz

You guys are certainly entertaining!!!!
The piece on Thurrock is a good one but not representative of the whole borough
Hoping to get there in Tuedsay but I'm one of the few Thurrockonians that has a job!!!! Lol

Congratulations Rocks,

Having a job in the current economic climate is tantamount to celebrity status.

In my job, I have to be totally serious, hence the release on this forum.

If you like warped but intelligent humour try my Americymru page....look up the Italian Lob on Google or the Annals of Boz Boz ( Careful how you type it though) ....Boz

Cheers Boz yes I see it as quite an achievement and if I tell you who i work for id have to kill you so maybe won't lol
Love a bit of humour so will take a look

Everyone to their own

Rockshammer.....I assume you mean Spectre....you now have me shaken but not stirred....Boz ZZ7

Not quite as exciting as Spectre but similar if you get my drift

Lets just say im very busy at the moment!!!!!

Boz is a genius! 'Scotcher on Thurrocks' was my fave this week