The Rovers Return

The Rovers return

What turns a boring midweek into a fun occasion?

Alcohol?

A first away win for the Martyrs?

Three points, as we accelerate away from the bottom of the table?

Or Uncle G-g-granville's face light up when you get on the Bennettorial Army mini-bus bound for Paulton Rovers?

Actually, it is all of the above, as under the new Mrs Boz-Man ruling- I was allowed to go to my first ( and probably last ) midweek away match anywhere on the European Continent.

The fact it was the closest league venue too was not coincidental.

The prospect of two and a half hours on a bus trip, through congested Bristol, at peak commuter time, was not my first choice- but needs must when the devil calleth - and over the last few weeks - our performances both 'home and away' have been as bad as the acting , in the Australian soap opera of the same name, and I was beginning to think that the new sponsors of Penydarren Park was not Cigge but Mephistopheles himself.

Driving at that time of day is Hellish in itself, as I passed both Chis Rhea and the sign for the 'back of beyond' on our travels.

One thing that did trouble me , whilst sat in the traffic jam was looking out of the side window of the bus and noticing the number of bony Welshmen with big noses and thin moustaches dressed in Welsh football shirts like an invasion of John Aldridges in the other Kane's.

Surely, they weren't ALL going to the Paulton match?

And then it dawned on me - it was 'Rush' Hour traffic.

As we arrived at the tiny ground around 30 minutes before kick-off, straight from work and onto the hot humid mini-bus, I was conscious of my body odour.

Fortunately, it was a delayed reaction, as the poor female travelling companion next to me went into a coma on the way home- only awakening from her flatlining when the door was slid back and oxygen re -entered our atmosphere.

The players were warming up by that time and I think they were impressed by how many away fans had made the journey, despite their woeful performance on Saturday.

They probably thought they owed a win to the fans- but more importantly to themselves and took command on the narrow, uneven surface.

It was no good being 'Claus'- trophobic in that tiny, tight stadium - mainly because Bristol based Superfan Nigel on the Ashton gate, was already there to 'sleigh' the opposition fans already.

He was however, out-done this time by the shouts of another Martyrs regular- who shall remain nameless - but we shall call him 'Saul Bellow' for legal reasons.

Saul berated the linesman and referee so loudly, he blew Uncle G-g-granvilles Dai - cap onto the pitch and confused their central defender into putting the Jarrad Wright low cross into an empty net.

Officially, it was given as a Paulton Own Goal but the dubious goals panel on the Benny Bus gave the last touch to Uncle G-g-Granville from his 'Gran- stand'.

He was delighted with his assist- his first of the season.

I was still busily digesting the best sausages n chips I have had at an away ground for years.

Paulton Rovers may not have the best footballing team but their food was great- I asked
G-g-Granville which part of the Rovers Hot Dog did he get?

They said they were only a Pound or from a Pound - I couldn't understand Wurzel-speak.

At the back , Davy, Bloomie and Baggy had set a defensive line that no Paulton Striker was allowed in - a no- fly zone to rival that of the Falkland Islands.

All under the marshalling of the Steelman from Port Talbot - Mr Belle.

That line became known as the Belle-In Wall or the 'Iron Cortez' - and proved to be 'curtains' for the Home Team.

On the pitch Belle was busy gritting his teeth and heading everything that was thrown at him.

Off the pitch, Saul Bellow also had a bell in every tooth, as he brought to life the character 'Gallagher' in my story 'Whistleblower'- I worry about his blood pressure and heart valves - as he was more animated than a Disney cartoon.

On the pitch Baggy was proving his transfer fee was the same this side of the Bridge as it was in Wales.

5p.

His inclusion meant that the versatile Wright- the best footballer on the Park- last night could provide the drive from midfield that we have been so desperately missing and resulted in our taking the lead.

Off the pitch' I was too busy reading the job description sticking out the linesman's pocket:-

1. Must skip sideways at all times.
2. Must be deaf, dumb and blind.
3. Must possess thicker skin than a rhinoceros.
4. Must be capable of being ignored for 90 minutes by the referee.
5. Must put flag up in the air for offside - only if toilet required.

Regrettably, Saul Bellow wouldn't accept that like Adolf Hitler's henchmen ( also dressed in blackshirts) that he was only following orders and continued to give the Lino and his conspiratorial henchman referee more stick than Basil Fawlty's non- starting car.

I assume he has trust issues.

Luckily, before he had the inevitable thrombosis, we scored our second from a training ground move , where the young Scotcher played the ball to edge of the area only for Captain Marble to play a master 'stroke' of his own by placing the Scotcher ball 'neatly' passed their stranded keeper.

But you couldn't blame the keeper at all, as it was their defence's fault - all five of them busy marking danger man Cortez Belle - as they stood still like a woman on a beach as a pair of speedo trunks went by- and got caught ball-watching.

Struggling on with a groin strain, our Leader deserved this goal , as he leapt up in the air in celebration- only to have to pick his testes up from near the penalty spot.

The move is now officially christened by Jenks & co as 'Scotch on the Rocks'.

After an hour, the youngster having played his part in the victory was replaced for 'short measures' by our Spanish Import to try and add the sherry on the cake by scoring our third and rounding off the Victory.

He almost added to our score from a free kick, when encouraged by the away fans to 'Bend it like Bauza' , as our Majorcan showed us his own version of how to makes the ball 'Spanish Fly'.

It is nice to see the 'dead ball ' situations being shared around and not just by poor old Ashley.

Up front, Jon Brown ran around like a Savage....chasing the ball down....but like Robbie of Wales fame rarely touching it.

He did however, play a big part in the win, by defending from the front and pressuring their back line and keeper every time.

He wore down a path in their half , so much so , that by their end off the game, he was two foot shorter and looked like he was running in a trench.

With a second on the scoreboard, it looked like Paulton Rovers were down and out.

No home win and an average of one goal scored at home...they looked like I felt from the stands on Saturday - dejected.

Not even the newly trim duo of ex- Martyrs Adie Harris & Steve Williams could influence the scoreboard.

Bradley, in the Merthyr goal ' was at last commanding his area from corners and Baggy, Bloomer and Tez defended as a unit , save as to one occasion where a towering header beat our keeper from a well placed cross .

Such goals have been our Achilles heel this season but tonight we managed to hang on without panicking for the last quarter , when we were penned back as Paulton threw the washing machine, tumble drier and kitchen sink at us.

But the Town held on- unlike the stretched bladders of our younger travellers on the bus, who had to use their 'bus pass' to stop on the way home, so they could urinate near the Bristol Rovers Eastville Stadium.

In the dark, they peed near the electric substation and released a little Bristol 'gas' too, as they had instant relief from the rigours of holding second hand Newton and Ridley beer in for the long return journey back to the Street.

Luckily, they didn't arc their urine onto the electric installation or their light Sabres would have glowed in the dark and they would have been arrested by the Police.

Either way the 'Force' would have been with them.

Anyway, it was great to witness an away win, the team pull together and close out a match and bring a smile to the players, fans and management faces alike.

Well done lads....keep it going....the beers are on Ownes when the new Webley's opens....one pint each but no hat-tricks....and don't invite Ceri Williams or he will be broke.

Boz