How the West Was Lost

Boz1964 Wed Oct 25, 2023 1:52 pm

How the West was Lost!

It was not ‘High Noon’ but 7.45 pm at Penydarren Park and the scene was set for a shootout at Penydarren Park between ‘five star’ Merthyr Town and ‘slowpokes’ Winchester City in a Southern League South Premier League clash under the lights.

The saloon at Webley’s Bar wasn’t as packed as it has been in recent weeks following the Martyrs exit from the FA Cup after more ‘grave’ mistakes than ‘Boot Hill’.

The crowds returning to normal after the gold rush from Klondike, Blaen Dowlais  and with fair weather fans turning to more interesting spectator sports like origami and sheep spotting, as the cold and incessant Welsh Valleys rain begins to bite.

The game was to follow a familiar pattern with Merthyr Town ‘quick on the draw’ with Ricky ‘the Kid’ Rees, Aneurin ‘Hannibal Hayes’ Livermore and Dodge City specialists Kieran Evans & Fraser Thomas threatening to go to Town on poor Winchester City straight from the off.

And with only four minutes recorded on Sheriff Carl Peters pocket watch,  it was ‘Tomahawk’ Handley that scalped the Away defence with a glancing header that beat the Winchester ‘Minder’ all hands down inside five minutes to send the more ‘Alarmed’ Merthyr fans discharging their ‘68 guns’ into the air, whilst drinking their Colt 45 cans normally reserved for halftime.

The Martyrs had drawn first blood and there would be no chance of a pow- wow as the Winchester box had turned into the ‘battle of little big airhorn’ as it sounded behind the goal -as the wind section joined in the sounds of distant drums - vainly attempting to distract Winchester keeper Ryan Pryce who single-handedly kept the tally down to one.

But then Merthyr just like a teenage acne sufferer with ‘redskin’ and a tube of Clearasil , went off the boil and suddenly the play became apache.

And just like the payroll section of the Hampshire Outfit Merthyr paid the Pryce on the half hour for their profligacy when Tom Handley didn’t detect the moccasin clad Joshua McCormick creeping forward or heed the smoke signals from the posse of Western Mail Reporters in the David Miles Stand.

Like a Seneca Warrior guiding a human ‘lacrosse’ head he burst into the area before he bent one like Brokeback Mountain around keeper ‘Rooster’ Cogman, who despite displaying  ‘True Grit’ couldn’t keep it out of the net.

1-1 and with practically their first raid, Winchester City were now level.

The goal illustrated our lack of specialist full back following the injury to Noah Smerdon ( a really big scalp to take) and of course the nature of ‘Grizzly Adam’s’ departure to Cinderford Town.

The frustration at not having scored more than one goal began to show on the ‘paleface’ of Paul ‘the Saint’ Michael, who did an impression of a Harlem Globetrotter bouncing the ball on the touchline angrily, as he went on the ‘warpath’ at the near sided linesman’s myopia.

He was booked for his trouble, as he ranted that our ‘attacks did not happen in a vacuum’- a fact that Merthyr fans wearing Hoover emblazoned retro football shirts disputed.

Halftime came and the Merthyr players trooped off heads hung low as their had their ‘reservations’ from past matches how the second half was likely to ‘pan out’.

At half time, my visit to the latrine nearly ended in disaster, as some idiot had left a dark low chair near the club shop and in the dimly light area I nearly ended up with a ‘broken Lance’ as I fell forward but managed to regain my balance a la Fraser Thomas in the opposition penalty area after several floundering steps.

Thankfully none of the witnesses shouted ‘Geronimo’ otherwise I would have killed them myself.

However, I bet referee Carl Peters would have booked me for simulation - luckily
I did manage to avoid a ‘Rawhide’ on that raised tarmac.

The second half saw a resurgent Winchester locking and loading , whilst the Home Tribe looked decidedly out of ammunition.

The most comedic event of the second half saw the football belted from the pitch into the stands, landing in the last ever single use polystyrene tray of chips of a spectator from the Saints Ladies team - fortunately being a goalkeeper she ‘bravely’ held onto them.

By some good fortune it avoided her dessert tray - otherwise it could have been Custard’s Last in the Stand.

And then someone in the crowd must have performed a rain dance as the Heaven’s opened and it began Chingachgooking it down.

Any attempt to play neat football was lost in the spray, as the Merthyr midfield became ‘One Eyed Jacks’ and the forward line overran the ball with less end product than Preparation H.

Thank goodness we had the John Waynesque figure of Liam Angel at the back resplendent in his silky Mustard Captain’s Armband….he wore, he wore, he wore
a yellow ribbon.

At the other end of the pitch, in attack the former ‘Wild Bunch ‘ had began
to ‘fire more blanks’ than the outpatients of a vasectomy clinic.

On the left wing , the normally proficient Meyhew looked decidedly under the weather like he needed a Doc Olli-day, as whilst he could beat the full back for speed  he was ‘headed off at the pass’ every time.

In an attempt to create a ‘Bonanza’, Hoss the Boss, tried to make changes on 75 minutes- once again too late to affect the game- especially as he brought on
the ‘Big Country ‘ in the shape of Gethyn Hill - but no one realised that for Gethyn to be effective he needs the ball in the air in the penalty area.

It was somewhat ironic that on a wide pitch built for wingers ( Ceri Georgie Williams and the Giles Brothers from our Glory Days of the late Eighties) the linesman was called Thomas Shallcross which Merthyr didn’t.

I counted more crosses on the Hill at Golgotha.

And sadly Merthyr would not be rescued by either the Cavalry nor the Calvary.

In fact things were to get worse centre ‘stage for the coach”.

With Merthyr ‘quivering’ at the incessant attacks of the Shotgun Raiders- there was to be no ‘arrow’ escape either as in the 88th minute Winchester Captain Jamie Barren took an innocuous free kick from way outside the area on the left which sailed over keeper Jaimie Cogman and into the net.

He really must stop watching those David Seaman coaching videos.

What next?

A Pony (Express) Tail?

It would prove to be the second  ‘Tombstone” for the Martyrs ( after our Joe’s) who would get some ‘Blazing Saddles’ treatment from the Saint in the Teepee at Full Time.

Once again over 90 minutes Merthyr at home were ‘good, bad then ugly’ and sunk by a ‘High Plains Drifter’.

With the ‘Morrell’ of the tale being take your chances when on top or you will turn into a cowboy outfit.

And whilst the chips were definitely down in the stand, they were up for Winchester City who then added Merthyr to their list of scalps - after away wins at Chesham United, Hayes & Yeading and Dorchester Town.

This is the story of how the West was lost.

Boz