Isn’t it great when Karma hits home- enjoy Trunk Call but not nighttime reading for the kids...

“ Whistle while you walk....!” sang the grey bearded rambler, in true Walt Disney fashion , as he enjoyed the splendour of a late Summer’s day, heading towards the Grawen Farm at Cefn Coed and his ultimate destination of the Brecon Beacons foothills above Merthyr Tydfil.

Fashion was not a word in the wrinkled pensioner’s dictionary, as he clomped along resplendent in German Tourist regalia of large- flowered jodhpurs and size 11 Doctor Martens boots , complete with lederhosen , rucksack and spiked ‘Pickelhaube’ Prussian army hat.

Hans Von Spunkeltrumpet had been taken the ‘Mickey’ out of by people for years but his Bavarian origins and upbringing had left him with an thick skin and an arrogant streak .

He could often be heard yodelling in the hillsides above Cefn Coed and his love of ornithology was legendary.

He was responsible for the cataloguing of the Historic Taff Valleys birdlife and loved nothing more than recording the flight patterns of the local wildfowl and their nesting habits.

Some people thought he was a little ‘cuckoo’ and a complete ‘ rambler’ but most accepted the eccentric nature of the septuagenarian and ignored him for the most part.

It didn’t help that he had developed a tic in his early twenties which resulted in him involuntarily nodding his head.

This left the bird spotter with an unfortunate nickname of ‘Twitcher’

This tic had its benefit - in that he was renowned as a marvellous central defender for his local ‘fussball’ team - but had it’s downside - as he was often being asked by the referee if he wanted to be sent off ...his involuntary spasm of nodding would usually do the trick.

‘Twitcher’ had however, fought tirelessly for the recording of public rights of way in the definitive local plan and established many ancient routes by prescription making many an enemy of the local farmers and landowners.

His ‘Lebensraum’ Policy had established many a corridor or hinterland between the local sheep fields and the A470 roadway.

Today, however, he was celebrating his 75th Birthday and his handlebar moustache bristled lightly in the late summer breeze.

A Red admiral butterfly flitted past and the Bavarian doffed his hat to the creature as evidence of his total love of nature.

A blue-bird came and landed on his shoulder as he strolled along with his wooden walking stick emblazoned with metal badges stretching back some 60 years , like a thin wooden passport testifying his years of country walks from the Black Country to Cumbria and the Lakes.

As his feet entered the dusty track running parallel to the A470 Brecon Road he felt even more at home.

His peace and that of the Bluebird was shattered by the driver of a Black Saab, which hurtled at 100mph towards Brecon.

“ Bloody idiot!” he shrieked vainly at the driver who had long since disappeared into the distance.

Stretching his legs , he strode onto the old Roman road and began to whistle a happy tune.

“ Oi Butt.... can you throw us our ball back ?” asked a local Gurnos lad clad in Scout regalia hanging over the back wall of the Grawen Farm and Camping site.

“ Ja?” enquired the Bavarian.

“ Are you the ‘Hun’ they call Twitcher......the Cefn Coed birdman?” asked a scruffy looking child, green rivulets of snot running in his snob channel.

“ Ja!” came the reply.

“ Ever seen a Red Kite?” continued the boy signalling to his unseen friends.

“ Not in this part of Wales....seen some Peregrine Falcons up by the Dan-y-Darren quarry earlier...?” he offered.

As the children’s scarlet plaything lifted into the sky still attached to its string....the German knew he had been had.

As the boys began to sing ‘Two World Wars and One World cup’ ....Twitcher collected up the ‘David Beckham autographed World Cup ‘Mondial’ football’ and tossed it high in the air with a view to heading it back to his tormentor.

The £30.00 ball burst on his helmet spike to his own great amusement.

“ Oh dear..... sorry about that!” chuckled Twitcher...”Never mind you’ve still got your red kite!

As he ambled away the 8 year old Gurnos lad spat out every swear word known to man including some in German.

“ Guten Tag!” declared Twitcher at the sight of a British Telecom engineer who had parked up on the side of the Roman Road and was busily spray painting a huge Oak tree with a red X mark.

“ Morning!” was the chirpy reply from the busy Chris Wire.

“ You know that zis highway is pedestrian only?” asked Twitcher defiantly.

“ So?” asked the engineer innately responding to the Bavarian accent and tone of the questioner.

“ What exactly are you doing to that Ancient Oak Tree?” he continued.

“ What’s it got to you with you Fritz?” barbed Wire.

“ I am the local Green Party Leader and this tree is protected!”

“ It ain’t mate...its interfering with our phone wires and trunk calls so it’s gotta go!” taunted Wire...”X marks the chop!”

“ This tree has been on this spot since Roman Times...!”countered the Bavarian...you can’t do that ....!”

“ I can mate....its interfering with our lines...and its rotten...it’s coming down...just like your Red Baron ...Von Richthofen.!” teased the Engineer

“ Rotten....bellowed Twitcher...do you now how long it takes for one of these Celtic Oak trees to die.....its like.... 200 years or the lifetime of Barbara Cartland....”

“ We at BT are a law unto ourselves....haven’t you seen the roads lately...if we say its going ...it’s going!.....and there’s nothing you Greens or anyone can do about it!” laughed the engineer....BT stands for ...BRITISH Telecom !”

“We’ll see about zat....I’ll get a Tree Preservation Order on it!” announced Twitcher in teutonic triumph.

“ With Merthyr Planning Department....ha...ha....six months it’ll take them to decide your application........ and this will be tree will be available as compost in the Swansea Road Retail Park B & Q in six hours!” chuckled Chris Wire knowingly.

It was then that the German decided to take direct action by clasping around the trunk of the tree.

“ You tree- huggers are all the same.....but ....remember even you greens have to use the toilet .....and while you make a log...so will we!”

The engineer drove off in his van , care- freely squashing baby hedgehogs as he went.

As he left, the German tried vainly to remove the red cross off the oak, in an effort to preserve this ancient tree which had for so long been the lungs of the Cefn Coed area.

*****

“ What badge are you working on?” asked boy scout Haydn Baden to his eight year old chum.

“ Knot-tying” came the reply from Del Inquent, the latest recruit from 3rd Gurnos Scout Troop.

“ Fire starting is my preferred option ......but because I live in the New Gurnos...they won’t let me do that till I reach the parenting age of 12 .!”

“ I tried rubbing two sticks together but burnt my tent down....they didn’t say... I couldn’t use TWO matches”....declared Haydn Baden.

Their ‘innocent’ conversation was interrupted by the intrusion of their hated Irish Scout master PETE O’FAIL.

“ What are you two scoundrels up to...loitering within tent....I suspect!” he sneered.

“ Nuffink...Sir...we were just discussing what Scout badges we are working on!” stuttered Haydn.

The attitude of the semi- adult pensioner changed from one of suspicion to one of genuine interest.

“ Well there are many badges to collect ...but the one most people want that is the ultimate one....the elephant’s trunk badge....the symbol of being one with nature!” sighed O’Fail.

“ How do you earn that one ?” asked Baden excitedly.

“ All will be revealed ....my boy....it’s a bit like you get for ‘bob a job’.!” announced the Scout master equally excited.


*****

Nathan ‘Natty’ Head , the local arborculturist , smiled to himself...he had been lucky to win the contract to maintain all trees which came under the ‘umbrella’ of British Telecom and enjoyed nothing more than being out in the Country sawing down trees.

Tree surgeon was the title he preferred because he sometimes felt he was treating wooden patients and healing their wounds.

He preferred this to his last job as a barber and decided to leave when he was asked by a member of the public to do a ‘pubic permanent head-mark’.

His golden dreadlocks and beading made him look like the canopy of a laburnum tree as he became one with nature.

Standing before the giant Celtic oak at the Grawen Farm , he looked carefully for the red cross marking system he was trained to recognise.

The tree was a magnificent specimen which he believed to be in excess of 1000 years old , as he counted the tell-tale ring marks which were visible.

This tree isn’t rotten he thought ...as he placed his hands on the tree trunk carefully examining the specimen for signs of disease.

True , the trunk of the tree was hollow almost large enough for a person to enter but its roots looked strong and the branches were still strong with leaf and acorn buds.

There was also a curious, almost child-like drawing of an elephants face on the lee-side of the tree.

Still...the red cross was there ...an axe- ident... so it could not be there by accident.

As he pulled the cord on his buzz-saw he suddenly stopped in disbelief ...dropping the spinning blade to the ancient stones of the old Roman Road, narrowly missing his manicured sandal feet.

The tree appeared to open two huge eyes and yawn.

There must be a hallucinogen in the tree sap...thought Nathan.... like those trees in the Amazon Rainforest I read about.....

“ Hello Friend of the Earth!” declared the tree spirit.

Nathan began to pee himself uncontrollably in fear...another reason he quit barbering.

“ All water sustenance to my roots is welcome!” continued the forest giant.

“ I must be out of my tree!” declared Nathan throwing away his ‘homegrown’ in a state of panic.

“ I have dealt with thousands of the trees but I have never heard one speak before...!”stuttered Nathan .

“ Trees talk all the time.... if you are in tune with them.....haven’t you heard my kind...whispering your name in the breeze.....creaking and groaning like the ancient beings we are!”

“ I have been around since Roman Times ....I have the body of an Ancient Celtic Wizard buried between my shaded roots...the one they called Merlyn....”

“ What Merlyn Oak lee from Cefn ?” asked Nathan....that name sounds familiar!”

“ His magic has exuded through to my trunk and upper canopy and has given me the power of speech and the power to rain down acorns on the unrighteous!” declared the enormous tree.

“ I have witnessed many historical events in this position over the last millennia...including the towns founder Tydfil the Martyr in the 5th Century AD ambling bare- footed from Brecon to the Parish Church...but she never returned..... In 1270 , Gilbert De Clare, the Norman, searching for wood and killing several of my cousins for his drawbridge and gates at Morlais Castle....In 1831 the Brecon Garrison marching towards Merthyr during the Merthyr Tydfil Riots...and more latterly a modern day druid looking for badgers to ‘dig’”....but pray why do I now bear a red mark on my trunk?” asked the Ancient Tree .

“ BT Contract mate....if I don’t cut you down.... somebody other ‘sap’ will!” came the sad reply.

“ But I am the wooden equivalent of ‘Highlander’! ...pleaded the Oak....what about bribery....what if I tell you which of my tree brethren have some Roman coins buried under them?”

“ They are no good to me.. ...cash isn’t legal tender anymore...besides I can’t spend them in Weatherspoons!” countered Nathan.... anyway I have to get on.... I have eight Leys Whitebeam to cut down on Penmoeallt Mountain later.!”

“ Alright...if you were going to execute a man ...it is customary that the executor normally grants one last request....true.?” asked the tree .

“ So what do you what.....? asked Nathan ....if I can grant it....I will!”

“ Can you arrange for a giant mousetrap to be placed and primed inside my tree trunk on the internal ledge below the western hole on the ‘elephant’ side of the tree.!” asked the wise old oak.

“ You’re in luck my wooden friend ....cos... I have several such traps in my van ...I will grant your dying wish!” declared Nathan.

******

At 4.00pm exactly, Hans Von Spunkeltrumpet awoke to the twittering of the sound of his beloved birds.... tree sparrows everywhere.... he lay hidden from view in amongst some Hawthorn bushes and took a last swig of his hipflask Schnapps and bite of his brockwurst sausage sandwich before moving around to his chosen position.

Squatting down , he could make out through his binoculars the doomed giant Oak he was trying desperately to protect from the phone company.

A group of Scouts were sat around it on the grass bank .

Surely he thought BT wouldn’t cut down the tree in front of such a bunch of impressionable schoolchildren.

“ Gott in Himmel” he declared suddenly , as he saw the Scout master disappearing behind the back of the oak tree ....that is the first time had ever seen a ‘Lesser Spotted Wood-Pecker’ appear from an Oak Tree before...I must warn the children!”

He was so rattled that he forgot , somewhat fatally that his spiked helmet was located behind him as he unwittingly sat back down heavily on the spike.

*****


Boy scouts Haydn Baden and Del Inquent sat impatiently on the grass embankment facing the doomed Oak Tree.

“ That’s not a patch on the Disneyworld Tree of Life’ moaned one boy scout.

“ When is the Tree Elephant going to appear?” asked Haydn ...because I want to get my elephants trunk badge..?” he moaned to his friend.

“ Hello children ....!”came a muffled voice ...pretending to be Colonel Hathi- the elephant leader and character from the Jungle Book .

“ I am the .........Tree Elephant.....as his pink trunk appeared from inside the hollow base of the tree....who wants to touch the trunk and get a shiny new elephant badge!”

One by one, the scout pack, in cub pack number order each stroked the elephant’s trunk.

All except one that is being Street- wise Del...who suspected something wasn’t quite right.

I have watched loads of nature programmes, when I bunk off school and I although it is gnarled and wrinkled..... I have never seen an Elephant’s trunk with a foreskin before he thought.

As he approached the ‘tree trunk’ he suddenly had an idea to collect two badges in one go.

Clasping the appendage Del began to put into practice all his previous scouting experience and tied a huge wreath knot in the end of the trunk.

The elephant seemed to trumpet wildly and stampede wildly....shaking the tree.

“ Its normal...said Del to his worried friend...elephants knock down trees in Africa too!” !”

The sound of metal striking testicle too was explained away by the junior zoologist.

His ivory is caught in the trunk

Inside the tree, Scout leader Pete O’Fail thought he was the victim of a squirrel until he heard the clamour outside.

He could not remove his penis as it was completely knotted and his left testicle had been severed by the mousetrap.

As BT engineer Chris Wire pulled up in his van he turned to Nathan and asked him what the Hell was going on.

He could see a Scout leader minus his trousers , with cheeks tenser than Arnold Schwarzenegger on election day.

“ I can only assume he is one of them tree-huggers “ declared Nathan.

“ Well I knew squirrels kept their nuts in trees but not Scouts too!!!!” laughed Chris

Their attention was distracted momentarily by the site of a German Tourist limping up towards the tree with blood pumping from an arse wound.

“ Did you see that pervert ......it gives us Spunkeltrumpet’s a bad name!”.

“ Where did he come from ?” asked Nathan as the Scout group ran for cover at the sight of the hairy German running towards them with blood gushing from his rear end, nodding uncontrollably.

“ Brokeback Mountain?” offered the Engineer .

The Engineer mouth agape just stared as the giant oak opened its eyes for the second time that day as the oak boomed down at them.

“ Call the copse.....Special Branch....anyone....declared the tree ....I’ll hold him till they get here!”.

“ In all my years with the Telecom ....declared Chris Wire ....this is the strangest trunk call ever !”

Nathan rubbed off the red cross in gratitude.

“ See................. the Oak declared ... I told you my bite was worse than my bark!!!!!”.