Rocky Times Ahead- how apt the title of today’s offering

It was Monday morning at 8.45 am , as the flame haired librarian opened the front door of the Merthyr Central Library.

Greeting him was a familiar sight …the back of the Statue of Lord Buckland - Henry Seymour Berry- resplendent in caped attire and open book in hand….only today , he wore an orange traffic cone on his head…which made him look like a modern day Harry Potter.

“ I know he is due to be taken away to be cleaned soon but ….!”

Using all of his 6 feet frame, he managed to climb onto the plinth of the statue and stretching out with old Imperial Pool cue , he pushed the offending cone down into the High Street below.

“ Bloody Hoodlums…. they have no respect….” he muttered under his breath.

Senior Librarian Simon Stallone , had like the statue , been a permanent fixture at the Central Library for over 30 years and both had witnessed first hand the under-class generation of Merthyr Tydfil.

Their motives had changed over the years, they now only used the Library to steal reference books ’with pretty pictures’ and surf internet porn sites.

But mild-mannered Stallone had had enough… whilst he still had a good head of hair ..his mop of red hair was now tainted by a giant silver streak…however, his temper had not mellowed and he had over the last six months enrolled in the Dowlais Community Centre Boxing Gym and had bulked up to Eight Stone.

No longer was he- Simon ‘Rambo’ Stallone , a push over …he had turned in his alter ego- Superhero Conan the Librarian.

Putting back his pool cue in his belt, the blue tunic flying defiantly in the breeze , he climbed the front concrete steps two- at -a time and spun the revolving doors aggressively.

“ Don’t push me !” he growled as the narrow glass compartment shuffled him from the street into the library hallway.

The street thugs had drawn ’First Blood’.


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“ When shall we three meet again?” asked the shadowy female figure as the sun began to rise from behind the Aberdare mountain.

The three naked witches stopped their circle dance and released each other’s hands as one.

As the wheelie bin fuelled fire sank into its embers, the Heolgerrig Coven stopped its celebration of the Celtic festival of Sam Hain and Upper Colliers Row field returned to normality.

From his first floor window of his former Council house , former teacher Sean Fein, penned his latest Celtic Poem.

The Bard of Brondeg sat silently as he observed his wife Dawn Corus dressing back into her NHS Sister’s uniform ready for her morning shift.

At this time of year, he was always up at the crack of Dawn.

The three wizened old crones who danced by night, transformed at the first light of the Spring morning into young women at the peak of their maidenhood ,by using a strange magic and lots and lots of Elizabeth Arden beauty products.

Her fellow witches also suddenly re-appeared as respectable members of the community- Megan Phillips -a District Nurse and her friend Pippet Boots became a white coated Chemist .

The remaining signs of their pagan sisterhood were removed, as the District Nurse loaded her spell book into her Volkswagon convertible …ensuring that her black cat ‘Katy’ was safely installed in the front seat.

She like her fellow ‘white witches’ had people to heal.

********************************************************************************* Simon Stallone stood behind the library ‘issue’ counter and was busily stamping the books returned by one of his regular library users who enjoyed baiting the streaked- haired librarian.

His blue tunic bore testament to the number of minority groups and fringe societies to which he was enrolled as a member.

His pin badges proudly declared that he was part of the ’Save the Panda Fund’ , Plaid Cymru, Greenpeace, Help the Aged , the Rainbow Alliance.

His favourite was the Merthyr Vale Man United supporters Club badge Eric the Red Devil.

These badges stood for everything the ‘ Street Scum’ did not.

He cared for the environment , for animals and for elderly people.

His latest boast was that he was the only person in Merthyr Vale to become both a member of the two WWF‘s- World Wildlife Fund and World Wrestling Federation…even if he did get a VWF from the local yob centre when he walked passed the Windsor Pub or the ’Black’ sporting his collection of badges.

“ Dead Men don’t wear Plaid!” said Mike Hammer looking at the political pin badges on the librarian’s collar.

“ Don’t push me….!” snarled Stallone…anger bubbling just below the surface…as he snapped back at the customer.

“I’m sorry…whispered Hammer…I thought this was a library ….I will say it in that Dead Tongue language of yours…..- Welsh…..- so you understand ….. SSHUSSIO……”

As the queue of people behind the annoying Hammer began to increase…the librarian powder-keg began to shake….lifting a huge tome returned in amongst some District Nurse Study Books …he thought for a split second about whacking his agitator with a ’ Hammer’ blow.

Unfortunately, the library attracted oddballs from all walks of life- ……..and that was just the staff.

As he passed the returned books to fellow librarian Meibion Glyndwr….he turned to the next customer knowing he had to bite his tongue….” I wish that Hammer had a dead tongue…” he muttered.

As Meibion Glyndwr moped away …-as if followed by an invisible rain cloud- he carried the books back to the Non -Fiction 500’s- Chemistry and Science, failing to notice the strange glow coming from the heavy tome.

“ Oi butt….got any books on badger baiting….“interrupted two scruffy youths - Hugo Pinch and Nick Adidas- from the other side of the counter.

“ Do you mind …wait your turn…said Stallone politely …as he served a elderly lady whose head had tilted and dropped through age onto her chest, who was innocently returning her Mills & Boon love stories and under the counter “ Lady Chatterley’s Lover”…..

“ Cor ….look at that Granny Hugo …did you pinch her neck bolts? laughed the baseball -hatted youth looking like an extra from the Trisha Show.

“ Excuse me….said Stallone to the insulted pensioner ….as Chairman of both WWF’s …I have some pond life to deal with….!”

In the absence of a phone box to change in, our Hero entered the Junior Library as a mild-manner Librarian and returned as Superhero-” Bookwormman!!!!!!” .

“ This a job for the tuniced crusader…Is it a bird …is it a plane…no…. it’s an infant’s chair!“ said….‘Rambo’ splintering the wooden seat over the heads of the youths to the cheers of the gathered book-returners and library staff , as he opened the emergency door and booted the pair of street scum down the library steps.

“ Your both black-listed!!!!” Stallone shouted as Kong- like he beat his 26 inch chest.

Mike Hammer just sat unusually silently in the reading room doing his daily crossword .

He would think twice about baiting the ‘library’ badger again.

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“ Oh Stallone….you are my hero…!!!!” .came the cry from a blonde Brecon Bombshell from her reference library home on the first floor.

“ I’m sure when I check your family tree later……I’ll find you are descended from the finest stock of Welsh working class heroes…and street fighters Merthyr has produced.

“ I wish ….!!!“ declared Rambo picking up the Tome for the second time.

Looking at the beautifully hand carved Celtic writing he noticed its words seemed to shimmer orange then stop.

“ Meibion …cover the counter for me …I have to feed the fish and send some corn-dogs down the Taff”

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As he said on his library throne in the downstairs khazi …Rambo worried about the onset of his recent haemorrhoid problem.

From within an inate voice was saying “ Don’t push me!!!!”

As he turned the front cover, he read the Celtic Words GRAN GRIMWAR…or the Witches Bible.

He realised immediately that it was written in a strange tongue…

He tried to translate , but it was difficult………. Twtty down by the bosh…. and I’ll be there now in a minute…… of course, he thought it is in Wenglish.

It contained a strange warning which read….

NON WYCH BEWARE ….FOR YE SPELL AT A PRICE….YOUR WISH SHALL BE MET… BUT ONLY THE THRICE….ROCKY TIMES AHEAD FOR YOU …. A PETRIFIED SACRIFICE …..

Rambo began to shit himself which was both a blessing and a curse.

“ I wish I could get rid of this piles… he moaned…I have more hangers-on than a Freeman of the Borough ceremony.

Like the toilet bowl below ….the book glowed orange …. And Rambo smiled as it dawned on him that this was the end of his ‘First Blood’.

He was happy as for the first time for years , he could lift pristine Persil white CND underpants….bearing the motto ’Y Fronts prevent fallout‘.

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“ Have you seen a book ….?” asked the District Nurse…frantically to counter man Jan Bollock.

“ Unless you hadn’t noticed BIG nose….this IS a library…course I have seen a book…never read one though!” came the reply.

“ One with gold Celtic lettering….about 600 years old…ducking stool proof….” she continued hastily…only I am late for my next patient…I need it for a short spell….. Besides its my answer to L’Oreal anti-aging cream ”

Her black cat curled around her shoulders….

“ Are you a witch…. !“Asked Bollock in his native Pentrebach sarcastic brogue answering a question with a question.

“ Why do you say that? “ replied the hag…… worried that she had been spotted dancing naked in Heolgerrig again and not just in the Six Bells & Red Lion.

“ Cos you got a BIGGGGGG Nose!….besides …..!“ declared Bollock …staring at the cat…..she looks familiar……anything else I can NOT help you with?”

“I don’t suppose you have an eye of a newt or toadpoles ears do you ? Asked Megan aging by the second.

“ Try the Jamie O ‘Liver Cookery Section sponsored by Sainsbury - Section 600 Domestic Science” came the seductive reply.

“ I don’t suppose you want to buy some Genuine Dylan Thomas sweat do you…the American Tourists lap it up. I call ’Under (arm) Milkwood ? . Asked Bollock

Like most exasperated customers of the Library, she threw her warty hands in the air in dismay , twitched her nose and disappeared suddenly.

Only the cat remained …which darted passed Bollock and hid beneath the shelves of the 600’s Non- Fiction section of shape-shifting and Medieval Sciences.

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As Rambo wiped his hands on the reading room velvet curtains he noticed that the room was unusually silent.

As part of his Senior Librarian duties he had to put out the daily journals and newspapers in the Reading Room.

It was a plan designed by the Head of the Ranch - Chief Librarian Dan Blocker - ‘Hoss the Boss’…who felt that it would increase the circulation and lead to a ‘Bonanza’ on lending book numbers.

The introduction of the daily newspapers pinned up on the boards had in fact increased the library users but made it look like a deaf man’s version of Ladbrokes.

Still Rambo ….loved a bet on the horses and he was as always in shares with the female library cleaner. Anita Coggins, the Library Cleaner, could always be found in the reading room studying form with her Racing Post and lucky can of Mr Sheen…to ensure that the horse produced a polished performance.

Looking up at the broadsheets in front of him Rambo declared “ Mirror…., Mirror on the Wall…who’s the fairest one of all!!!!”

As if by magic, the sporting pages dulled into the background as certain horse names seemed to jump out at him in Orange bold type.

12.30 REDCAR - BLACK MAGIC

1.15 RIPON- UNBELIEVER

2.30 - CATTERICK - SPELLBOUND

3.15 NEWBURY - TURN TO STONE

Was this his lucky day…he had to believe.

As the Electric Light Orchestra song ‘Turn to Stone’ popped into head he sensed an unease about his situation.

Was there a ‘ Strange Magic’ abroad on the Celtic festival of Sam Hain.

‘ Turn to Stone’ he wondered aloud.

Mike Hammer sat crossword in hand but had he been able to speak or move he would have warned the Librarian that the initials of the horses spelt the word….BUST.

His jibe about the Welsh language being a dead tongue had left him with a dead tongue and the two would never have a ’crossword’ between them again.

As Rambo shuffled Sammy Davies Junior - Style into Ladbrokes (brought on by his continual use of the revolving doors) he placed his bets at the counter on the four horses of his apocalypse.

He would have got better odds at Joe Coral but he was banned for life because of a folly in his youth.

During his days in PETA and ANIMALISTY INTERNATIONAL days he had ’cat burgled’ and freed all the caged hamsters and white mice in the Victoria Street Pet Shop before setting fire to the premises.

Unfortunately ,the blaze had spread to the opposite Global Video store… which meant he was the first registered animal activist and environmentalist to be charged with Global warming.

Joe Coral too benefited , as they became odds on favourites to annex the burnt out store.

The fact that had been ‘arson about’ was never declared to the Council otherwise he was unlikely to be allowed to work in the second most combustible building in town.

As he was found in the Town centre with pockets full of mice surrounded by more Cats than an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical , he was dragged to help with the Police with their enquiries.

He had hated cats with a vengeance ever since.

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As Rambo finished the rest of his shift, he continued to serve his beloved public but was surprised by his sudden interest in ELO songs.

As he put back onto the shelves volumes of Cowboy stories….he began to hum ‘Wild West Hero‘

In the Biography Section he placed back the Diary of one Horace Wimp.

Imagine his ’Confusion’ when ’All over his world’ ’Strange Magic’ was at work as every thing he did seemed to end in a ’Rock Aria’.

“ Shine a little light’ over here asked Bollock kneeling down beneath the Card Index System near the 400’s looking for something.

He was joined by mobile librarians the bespectacled Dewi’ Decimal’ Parry and Phil Collins.

“ What have you lost? “ asked Rambo

“ I have been doing some Cat A Logging….!” replied Bollock….and I know there is a missing ‘Southpaw under there somewhere….if only I had a ‘Corgi or a Korky cricket ball I could get him out!”

“ I thought there was something in the air tonight !“ replied Collins sniffing cat pee…. Well Rambo….I’d like to help …..but I ’ve got to get moving…they don’t call us mobile librarians for nothing.!”

Glancing up at the clock …Rambo could see it was 5 O‘clock and time for the first shift to leave.

He could see something else too.

He thought he could see the face of a long dead boxing champion staring back at him from the clock face.

As the staff and customers filed passed him, Rambo could only mumble the word ‘Argloed’.

One bearded man refused to budge as he tried to climb the stairs to the reference library.

“ Excuse me Sir, but the reference library is now closed” declared Rambo.

“ Waarawarra….Schoo MU Chucka- I have come over from Australia to TRACE my family tree…my grandfather was from Merthyr…the names Rolf- Didgeridoo- Harris…you may have heard of me…two little boys and all that ….I only want a quick walkabout”

“ I thought you looked a bit dodgy…no one DRAWS in the Reference library ….OUT and stop making those irritating guttural noises….I am Chairman of ‘ Save the ABOS’ New & Old South Wales Committee and you ’re not indigenous! Declared Rambo closing the wooden front door on his trailing beard.

“ Bloody Hell ..those reference users get stranger and strange…I know Jacobs crackers…but she attracts some ‘ real beauties’.

Looking up at the original ‘Dai Watkins ‘Dial M for Merthyr’ football Clock , Rambo again thought he could see the face of a long dead boxing champion staring back at him from it’s own clock face.

I must have spent too long in the Charles Dickens section, he thought shrugging of the apparition.

As he regained his senses , he bolted the front door and decided to check his betting results.

To his amazement his £10.00 accumulator bet looked good.

The first Horse ’Black Magic’ had romped home at 10/1, his second ‘Unbeliever’ was a 40/1 long shot but also had beaten the field

Rambo just felt that something was not quite right.

His third steed ‘Spellbound’ had won a photo finish at 15/1 .

His heart pounded hard in his chest…his brow full of ginger and grey sweat… as he checked the final results of the Newbury races…..was it his lucky day after 30 years of ‘seconds’ and so many near misses.

As he stood waiting for the page to load …he was amazed to discover that in a locked library a black cat was about to cross his path.

Looking at the feline, he could not believe his eyes as the shape shifter transformed from Grimalkin into a beautiful young girl with perfectly manicured nails.

“ Who are you…?“ was the words Rambo heard his own mouth say.

“ She is Katy Copycat…copy-cat Katy….familiar to the head of the Heolgerrig Coven’ came a voice booming out of the computer speakers.

“She is a harbinger of doom….an’ Evil Woman!”…said the voice…re- starting the ELO flashbacks for Rambo. “ I know your face …your Dic Penderyn! “ announced Rambo staring at the computer screen.

“ Well the rope does give it away!…. Announced Penderyn.

“ What does she want with me?” asked Rambo fingering hovering over the computer delete button.

Don’t push me …the button seemed to say as Rambo’s legs turned to stone.

“ Remember the book of shadows ….?“ came a male voice stepping forth from the darkness of the 700’s sporting section.

“ I know you too ……your world champion Howard Winstone …you’re my and everyone in Merthyr’s hero…you beat everyone they threw at you…you didn’t beat the Grim Reaper too!”

Looking to his right Rambo could see that Katy Copycat had transformed from her initial youthful self into a 200 year woman and then into the deathly figure but the whole time was busily manicuring her cuticles with her scythe.

“ Out of the way …fatty… boomed Matchstick Man World champion Johnny Owen to the Grim Reaper…..” butt…you should be like all us Gurnos and Swansea Road muckers ….leave all books well alone….. their dangerous see ….!

“ Yeah , too much of a Gamble!” ….said another famous Penydarren shadow- Boxer.

“ Win stone….win coal….Win iron…Win steel ….my Howard could win any one…announced Commonwealth Boxing legend and top promoter Eddie Thomas…and he beat that Mexican Saldivar in Cardiff in 1967 too…dodgy judges!”

“ I can’t believe it ….all my boxing heroes in one room and a manicured Southpaw …come to see
me…I feel champion.“ replied Rambo.

“ but why me…what do you all want…”

“ You accidentally summoned us when you opened the Gran Grimwar- the Book of Shadows was consulted by us all before we fought our way to the top…it brings mixed blessings… to all true Celtic Warriors…..!”

“ So that’s why the Rugby Team folded!….said Dic Penderyn from the computer speakers“

“ So that’s how you won…. Johnny …you cast a spell on your opponents….and that’s why Winstone was known as the Welsh Wizard…. but if that’s the case…. You won British Empire and Commonwealth and European Titles ….. so how come you didn’t win the World Title Eddie…?

“ Easy….Same judges as the Saldivar fight…of course…he replied head bowed uncomplaining.

“ Mixed Blessings”….muttered Rambo as he pressed the key board realising that he didn’t need a crystal ball to know the Newbury result.

“ Rubbish ….chuckled Winstone …“Eddie was always ‘second’ to me… chuckled the ever mischievous Howard.

“ Can I see the price anyway ?“ Rambo asked the Reaper.

Who nodded a reply

His legs like his horse had ‘Turned to Stone’ and the £55,000.00 riding on the final horse was lost .

“ Gone Bust….I see now !“ replied Rambo ….“Rocky times Ahead…. it is clear as a ring-side bell…!”

“ Oh , by the way….said Dic Penderyn……I did stab that Brecon Soldier Sergeant Donald Black…it WAS me…he wouldn’t let me in the Kirkhouse see….thanks for the pardon anyway…I blamed Rolf Harris Grandfather on his death bed!”

“ Mixed Blessings” was the echoing words of the trio of boxers and the Head Librarian as they all disappeared into the night.

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As the Council Leader , Mayor and other dignitaries stood outside the Central Library.

Many people were baffled by the events of the night before.

Why was a dead man with no tongue found in the reading room.

Why were two ’Gurnos Muckers’ found killed by a Badger in Cwm Glo woods.

Why was visting celebrity Rolf Harris trapped all night by his beard to the Library front door.

Oh and where exactly had Rambo gone… his mother had rung into lifeline.

As they introduced the brother of Neath MP Peter Hain to the stand all was to be revealed.

“ I , Sam Hain newly installed President of the Dic Penderyn Society hereby declare this fourth Celtic statue in Merthyr Town Centre to be now open”

If the good people of Merthyr had looked closely at the Statues in St Tydfil Square that morning they would not have believed their eyes.

The statues of Howard Winstone and Johnny Owen appeared to smile knowing they had an new ‘Spar’ring partner.

And the ‘eddie- face ‘ in Bethesda Street which had fought many bouts for and against the Council kept stony faced about their secret.

“ Did they ever find the body of Simon ’Rambo’ Stallone” asked Sam Hain leaning on the Ginger and Grey streaked Statue.

The inscription written in Wenglish on the Central Library statute plinth read mysteriously .

“ Don’t push me…I’ve gone bust!”

Rambo was truly petrified.