Dead n Barry-ied

Dead n Barry-ied

‘Don’t show them too much !’

“ Why Boss?’ Asked temporary Club Captain, Lee Lucas.

“Barry DFS Manager Gavin Chesterfield is on the prowl’
came the pre-match team talk reply from Merthyr Town manager Gavin Williams.

For 80 minutes his players stuck to the game plan to the letter and didn’t show the Jenner Park spy anything.

‘Sofa’ so good.

In fact, he had to be nudged awake at halftime and was disorientated and didn’t know where he was as there were more than two football fans inside a stadium.

‘Do you want a ‘suite’?’ I asked, offering my usual bag of confectionary to each of the 500 or so seated fans in the Nigel Hasbeard Stand.

Chesterfield wasn’t hungry, as apparently he had poached something earlier.

On the other field - that of play- Merthyr Town equally didn’t look very hungry, despite they were home to mid-‘table’ neighbours Harrow Borough FC.

Merthyr, with the short turn around time with the Christmas & New Year fixtures looked drained, whereas clad in their usual blood red kit, Harrow seemed to strike fear into the hearts of the Merthyr players.

I can only assume that our makeshift defender Ben Swallow, playing out of position at left back, must have watched the impressive BBC production of Dracula last night, as he seemed frightened to go out into the shadows, where the floodlights don’t reach near the corner flags.

I couldn’t blame him, after looking at one or two of the Harrow Borough Coaching staff and supporters, who seemed to have been recruited from Highgate Cemetery FC, I felt scared too.

After all, I was certain until today that both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were deceased until I heard that they were still ‘stakeholders’ in the London Club.

I have never been to a Merthyr Home Match before and be pleased for the Merthyr Fans to remind Assistant Manager, Vlad Nosferatu, not to fly out of his technical area but to get ‘back in his box’.

The Martyrs definitely looked off- colour and whilst they had the lion’s share of possession they looked as toothless as Oil Drum Lane, London resident Albert Steptoe after a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

We needed some fangs for the fans.

With the onset of the Winter solstice, the remaining day light faded and the match quickly turned into the ‘Twilight Saga’ for the OAP’s present on the Holy Ground of Tydfil the Martyr, as Harrow Borough scored from their first real attack.

It came after streak-haired referee Steve Baker had awarded a free-kick for an innocuous foul just inside the Merthyr half.

In truth, he had been blinded by some ‘guano’ that had landed on his head earlier in the game but despite Merthyr’s ‘howls’ of protest he didn’t ‘bat’ an eyelid.

Yet another guano referee.

It enabled lanky defender, Ben Tricker (Treat?) to ‘ghost’ in unmarked at the near post and head home the opening goal for the ‘deadly Harrows’ and drive a ‘stake’ through Gavin Williams’ heart.

And things were to get worse as the former Upton Park player saw his home stadium turn into a Hammer House of Horror, when the same Cockney player on 62 minutes doubled the lead after getting his ‘knees up’ and volleying a cool second into the top left hand corner of Martyr keeper Alex Harris’ net.

On the sidelines, SuperGav’s assistant , Dean Clarke, who had travelled from Hereford early this morning had missed both his breakfast and lunch to help with the match day preparations and was forced to redouble his efforts to rush his high fibre cereal bar before selecting the much needed substitutes.

With thoroughbred racehorse, Corey’ Mari Llwyd’ Jenkins pulling out of the team just before kick- off due to unusual ‘bite marks’ on his neck , the ‘Bran Stoker’ had his work cut out after a ‘nightmare’ start.

Even physio Alex Ryan was confused, he had heard of players being nibbled during the game but not before the game actually started.

Coming from the ‘Twin Town’ of Swansea (with it’s Romany ‘Fatty Lewis’ Community), one of our superstitious defensive players came prepared and decided to wear a Celtic cross necklace to ward off evil.

Master Dan Helsing, seemed untroubled by events, as he continually ‘drip-fed’ Ian Traylor on the right, with slide passes on the flank that threatened to ‘exhume’ the Harrow defence.

Regrettably, the final ‘masked’ ball evaded the Martyrs, who seemed to be in some kind of a hypnotic trance every time they got near the ‘un-consecrated’ Away penalty area.

So SuperGav looked at his zombie bench and had a difficult decision to make.

He only had Ryan Prosser, Gordon Awty and himself left to select from.

Gordon Awty almost spoiled it, when he put up the illuminated board and gave away the winning numbers of the 50/50 half-time draw for the forthcoming Farnborough match.

Both veterans had to enter the fray with playing careers ‘resurrected’.

Going into the last ten minutes of the game and it looked like the Martyrs were out for the ‘Count’.

And then suddenly with the smell of the post-match ‘garlic’ wafting from the Club kitchen, Traylor used his own black magic boots to put a spell on left back Josh Andrew, crossed the ball straight as an ‘Arrow, onto the head of Gethyn Hill to cut the deficit in half, as the ball evaded all the Harrow defenders that were goal hanging upside down from the crossbar.

2-1 and the previously dead game turned undead, as heavy breathing Harrow had a coffin fit.

Less than 2 minutes later and the game had also been turned on its head, the change in tactics with our Saviour the Holy Beard, who is excellent with crosses, filled the black heart of Harrow with fear, as he made them back-pedal with hands across their faces in the air at the sight of his hairy halo....or the volunteer
groundsman had used the wrong wattage in the floodlights again.

So much so that their number 5, got his hat-Tricker when he put through his own goal to level a game and scoreline that not even former Welsh Rugby Union coach, Rob ‘Howley’ could have predicted.

That ‘0-Positive’ double transfusion of life into the veins of Merthyr had turned them from ‘clots’ into ‘blue-blooded’ footballing royalty.

Against the Prince of Darkness or Prince Andrew as he is now called.

Although, the Manager almost cost his side the game, as in injury time, he tripped over over his cape and gave Harrow substitute Excellence Muhemba a chance to fill both Merthyr Town and our stadium announcer with ‘Almighty Dread’, as he skipped down the wing only to be thwarted by a combination of the Swansea Buffy and Salvation Army soldier Jarhead Wright.

With both sets of fans exhausted with ‘tales of the unexpected’ from the last ten minutes, the game finished 2-2, leaving the Away manager Steve Baker with a ‘most haunted live’ look on his face, as if he had channelled medium Derek Acorah.

With the points shared both sets of fans went home happy, whilst poor Barry Manager, Gavin Chesterfield had to return to Jenner Park empty handed.

He had witnessed Merthyr dead and buried but fortunately not dead and Barry-ied.

It had been a ‘grave’ mistake.

No man is an island bar Barry Town - now that would be a fate worse than death.

Boz