Enema at the Yate

Enema at the Yate

I suspect someone accidentally set my Sat Nav controls to 'John Denver' mode as my Uncle Ggggranville and I had a tour of the 'Country Roads' that led to Yate in Bristolshire.

When I got to the club house, the Home Officials were worried that the promised Celtic invasion was being scuppered by the Grand National Horse Race Meeting at Aintree- but I assured them that us Valley people didn't Welch on our Bets.

And then they came in their droves, with cries of ChampiOWNES - the Merthyr Dregs Firm Choir , arrived accompanied by half the Gwent Valley that had 'flocked' along to the Game with the Roving Sheep.

It was a good job that I don't suffer from Pognophobia, as the majority of them were sporting more beards than a Merthyr RFC Woman's rugby match.

I was told by one Senior Martyrs fan , Paul Goatee that the face topiary was a tribute to their Easter hero , the Prossiah, who has been resurrected in the final stages of the League Winning season.

They hoped that by holding this 'Welsh Amish ' convention they would discourage the goal machine from looking to move to other clubs that might be interested in his talent- Mujahideen United, Manchesthair City, side Burnley or consider joining up with his old friend Gary at Shepherds Bush FC.

Regrettably, the additional face hair and masculinity on display didn't transfer to the pitch as both Yate and Merthyr played out what resembled a pre-season friendly and the officials apparently hypnotised into sleep by a dire snore draw.

They missed more handballs and fouls in one game than a FIFA fourth official in Qatar.

How I longed to be in possession of a Merthyr Home programme, as both teams 'constipated 'on keeping a clean sheet and shutting out the opposition attack.

I knew it was going to be a long afternoon , when after just 30 minutes into the first half, goalkeeper Tom 'Persil' Bradley who was doing the Football Magazine 'Shoot!' crossword at the time, asked me what clue 7 across was.

'Five letters...S-AVE....?' ....when the football clips a post ?'

Apparently, none of his bearded players or fuzz-faced fans knew the answer.

On the field, there was little real entertainment , as Merthyr had already won the league and Yate had resigned themselves to mid-table mediocrity and were more content to play the role of hosts to their Druidic Cousins from across the Severn Estuary than opponents.

Either way it was a real 'bore' , as wave after wave of attack was snuffed out by the waxing and waning Joe Chandler, the less 'harey' Tom Warren and the man with the Hollywood Stuntman name of 'Mitch Tippins'

I am sure I read in the Gerrt Lussh Gazette once that his cousin 'Cow' was arrested for a milk related incident.

Yate to their credit -played like a Viagra deficient , constipated pensioner in a Nursing Home- solid at the back but offering nothing upfront.

Off the pitch, Yate's compliment of two home fans were surrounded on all sides by an occupying foreign force - just like the siege of Stalingrad.

If only we had a marksman of the ilk of Vasily Zaytsev to worry Yate - then it might have been a different kind of shoot-out.

Sadly, on the day the only 'cross-hairs' on display were that on the 'Jimmy Hill' of the Prossiah and Midfield General Matthew Harris -Tweed who resembled two Victorian Explorers who had been lost in the African Bush for six months.

Back on the pitch , the game passed as slowly as a root canal filling.

Prosser and Harris were nullified by the Yatekeeper Horsell or merely watched as their efforts flew high over the ZZ Top of the Bluebells Goal.

The most entertaining moment of an otherwise dull encounter was watching Len Sankey doing an impression of Paul Gasgoigne and George Best.

He was clearly in a mood for celebration - and who would blame him- as 'The Hangover' Champions Merthyr didn't even have to raise their game above level one to get a draw away from home at Yate- a side that is respectably placed seventh in our little league.

Watching Len use the indoor 'Jon Bon Jovi' toilets was a sight to behold.

I have never seen an octogenarian break dancing before- spinning on his head like a teenager.

I can only assume that our outstanding midfield Napoleon had been in there too as the floor was 'Slippery when wet' .

Luckily, he doesn't have a beard to dry out from the experience.

But you can only beat the team that is in front of you- and a point is enough to keep the Club on target for a record points haul.

Even if Jenkins was seen stamping his foot like Kruschev in the dug out at two points dropped.

I sincerely hope the players get rewarded financially for their magnificent efforts this season.

Perhaps they could start up a 'hedge fund'?

Boz

To, me the classic comment was from a home supporter was '' I was disappointed in Merthyr from a team scoring over a hundred goals they didn't come out at us' and score any goals, maybe as Yate was the home team perhaps they should have come and tried to come at us.

Noted the mention. Perhaps you or Granville should have made a tactical movement to get a goal.

Hope you boyos enjoyed your big day out. I'm reckoning there were about 200 or so who travelled over. Nowhere near the 350 predicted but not a bad effort.

It was a pretty dull game of football as both sides cancelled each other out. Merthyr probably had to work harder at keeping Yate in check than vice-versa although I accept Merthyr had the clearer cut chances.

We'll miss you next season but if you do stay up then I'm convinced we will be locking horns again the season after.

Best of luck in the Prem division !

All the best next season in your quest for promotion