Shortwood? More like Short Straw!

With a car full of optimism, in the glorious Spring Sunshine, we set off for the Cotswolds and the promise of three points , good football and the 'best burgers in the league'.

It ended with a drab colourless draw ( bar of course for Green) with a Shortwood side line-up containing both a Parrott and a Haddock.

Top surface, the pitch looked lovely, even if it was sloping from side to side , like a Crown Green Bowling lawn perfect for a short wood.

It had won the 'Tonto' Award for the best looked after pitch in Gloucestershire- so named for having a Lawn Arranger.

But shortly, after the first oval- shaped ball was kicked, it became apparent, all was not what it seemed.

The surface was a phrenologists dream but a nightmare for football, poor Traylor , so skilled at ball juggling and a better dribbler than a resident of a Nursing Home- didn't know how high the ball would bounce, as it tripped up off his shins, ankles and knees, as he tried to thwart the opposing full back.

This meant that it was impossible to play football on the deck and so we had to either change our boots to suit the slope , adding short studs to the left boot and long ones to the right to balance the gradient or we modelled ourselves on fellow Supporters Direct team AFC Wimbledon and lob the ball tennis-style into the air.

We chose the golf club option of a chipping wedge over a Short Wood and we began an aerial bombardment not seen since 'Big Bertha' in World War One.

The promise of the best burgers in the league proved hollow too...although Shortwood's chips were definately up and not down, as they continued to punt the ball forward in the hope of concussing our two centre halves or at least cause us a Wright few headaches.

If Shortwood are short of sponsors next season, may I suggest they approach Rupert Murdoch , as they are real contenders for 'Team Sky' .

They only had one plan, lump the ball forward for Andre the Giant upfront , who could flick the ball on with his head to a running team mate.

Perhaps, that was why all of their footballs were so oval.

Either that or their coach has been keeping them too close to the open fire or the balls have gone ovoid ready for the forthcoming Religious Bank Holiday.

After a first half with defences on top, and both sides firing more blanks than a fertility clinic, in the shadow of the ' Howard Webb' stand , the whistleblower mercifully blew for halftime

Merthyr came out of the dressing room with paint flecks on their kit, burnt off the wall by the blowtorch like team talk that Jenko would have made them endure.

In the second half, the Holy Beard being our only player of above- average height suited to the game of head tennis, was suddenly hacked down in the box , losing both ankles and boots in the process.

I hope Prosser will be well enough in time for the Easter programme , so he can rise again for the two games, three days later.

Kayne McGlaggon took responsibility for the penalty kick but put it tamely at the keeper King, who royally saved it easily.

Merthyr's best attempt at goal was wasted but in all honestly , it would have been unfair on Shortwood to lose the match, when they were for much of the game the better side , albeit a lack lustre Merthyr performance against an ineffective home side.

Super -Gavin Williams came on to try and influence the second half, but despite his obvious class, was unable to crank the game up to top gear , as Merthyr didn't possess a Clarksonesque punch to get all three points

Jarrad Wright got some retribution for Pross , by nearly snapping their saddle-sore centre forward in half .

He was lucky not to be charged with a Mid Sommer Murder by the referee .

The final result a point each - a decent suntan and a friendly welcome in Gloucester from Dr Fosters in a plastic pint glass.

Man of the Match for me , was the elastic Tom Bradley in goal , who was outstanding, rescuing Merthyr with two saves not only out of the top drawer but one spectacular tip over that had even the sheepdog in the next field applauding.

Both he and his master boycotted the game , as someone was standing in their usual spot and was perplexed at seeing a crowd in the stadium for the first time that season.

Never mind the performance , as Jenko confirmed in post match interview, he preferred watching the dressing room paint dry but it was a vital away point.

Eight more and we can put on our rose-tinted sun glasses and forget this match , or remember this game as a mere Cotswold stepping stone in our title season.


Boz

I think the "short straw" was also the journey up.
I travelled via the M4 -A46 route before my Sat Nav died,and to find that place if you've not been to Nailsworth in many a year,(FGR match in 1998 was the last time ) ,is nigh on impossible!!

I ended up in a public skip place,asked directions to Shortwood, and no bugger knew how to get there,and that was just outside Horsley,the next village!!!

On the pitch,I'm not suprised we struggled to control the ball today,it was so bobbly that even Ian Traylor's runs were regularly going into touch,and the the bomb over the top was the only option left.
Their keepers sloping 6 yard box in the first half must have been a foot higher than the rest of the pitch in some places.
A surreal trip,and hopefully one I won't relive again. The china mugs to drink tea from were a nice touch though...............a bygone era??