The Test of the D’Ubervilles villes

Test of the D’Ubervilles

What a cracking game of football today.

So called ‘basement’ team Dorchester Town put on a second half performance against a Top Three Merthyr Team unusually stuck in second gear, down near the South Coast for the Magpies to ‘steal’ all three points and the ‘shiny’ new match ball.

On a rare away trip, I was fortunate enough today to witness the most entertaining game of football so far of this season, with three belting goals and a comeback worthy of the infamous Merthyr v Slough classic a few years back.

It was a strange one, as it all came about after the Dorchester Manager was sent to the stands at half time for complaining to the referee more times than Mary Whitehouse did to the BBC and his team suddenly went from the Laurel & Hardy boys to the return of the Natives.

In an icy cold biting wind which left me with facial wind burn and frostbitten
nether regions , I witnessed the kind of Roy of the Rovers performance that is only normally seen in Hollywood films or in a Disney classic animation.

I was ‘frozen’ which perhaps partially explains the performance of someone in the Dorchester Town line-up called Olaf who didn’t half ‘let it go’.*

Boz note for Ownes: I bet you and half of Merthyr were singing that then.

It was Olaf Koszela apparently ( and according to a Dorchester Town fan who I spoke too earlier had before today- trouble hitting even a Wessex Barn Door) who scored a stunning hat trick today which included two half volleys and a full volley that could only be described as a net buster.

Poor Merthyr keeper Will Fuller had to stand in front of those NASA rockets with the second equaliser being the hardest shot I have ever seen live.

Leeds legend Peter Lorimer eat your heart out.

It made Thomas Handley’s recent blistering efforts look like damp squibs as the Dorchester Magpie must have been Olafing all the way to the bank on that one alone.

If a football league scout had witnessed this match he would have been made.

It was so fast that not even the speed camera outside the ground on Weymouth Avenue could register it.

But the ‘burning’ pre-match question of the day was would I be brave enough to take on the 20 minute hike from my overnight lodgings with Lenny Henry and the Dorchester Ground faced with a strong headwind from the English Channel (favoured by Calais Jungle Migrants ) with a wind chill factor that would even Polar Explorer, Sir Ranulph Fiennes would complain about or did I wimp out and take an Taxi to the ground?

A Hardy Test of the Uber Ville indeed.

I decided to brave it and on arrival at the Delia Smith  ‘Let’s be Avenue’ Stadium , after being passed on the way by the March of the penguins, a polar bear and Sir David Attenborough on a disabled cart ( I THINK it was him anyway) I arrived at the ground in ‘tip top’ condition.

More frozen than a cryogenic Walt Disney- (he disnae warm up?)

I felt for the players in their single match shirt whilst I had five layers on, T-shirt, shirt, jumper, under coat ( B&Q home brand) and coat, scarf , gloves, hat and heated hand warmers.

I had more garments on than a Merthyr shoplifter coming out of the changing rooms in the Retail Park at Marks & Spencer and was still cold.

But the superb cheeseburger and burned fries ( she must have had her work experience in the local crematorium) warmed the cockles and clogged arteries of my heart.

And so did the opening goal for the visiting Martyrs scored by the ever consistent Tom Handley, who after more saves, ricochets and rebounds from the reserve Magpie keeper Jameson Horlick managed to find the net.

It is said that most people get their ancestral surnames from their professions- Cooper from Barrel Makers , Fletchers from Arrow Makers but for some reason
no one in the Horlick family would divulge the source.

Horlick was certainly no ‘mug’, as he went on to thwart the Merthyr forwards all game with more Tipping Points than Ben Shepherd and more blocks than Italian defender Imo Dium.

Half time came with the Martyrs ahead a little against the run of play but good value for the lead.

And then came the transformation.

The Magpies came out onto the pitch as Phoenix Birds.

They were not only too hot to handle ( like my nuclear hand warmers) but completely upset the visitors who were now looking jaded, affected by injuries and with several players playing in unfamiliar roles and a makeshift line-up with a solitary striker looking more isolated than Gary Lineker playing for England with diarrhoea.

And then ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’ of Merthyr fans - on 57 minutes it was the start of the Dorchester comeback.

There is a old adage that every Dorch has its day and today it was a Game for Olaf that even Matthew Kelly & Jeremy Beadle would have been proud of.

1-1 and with that goal the confidence flowed back into the Hardy boys who had been ‘Obscure” for the first hour about how to breach the Fuller Frame Figure of the Merthyr Goalkeeper.

But no sooner had the Magpies feathered their nest than a cuckoo in the shape of Merthyr Man of the Match Alex John a minute later restored the South Walian lead.

Like Port Talbot steel he said Tata to the Dorchester defence of Titus Bramble lookalike - Jordan Ngalo before burying a shot in the bottom left corner for 1-2.

Then before the referee had time even to pea,  it was 2-2 on the hour after not just the goal of the game, the season but if I am honest a lifetime of watching Non-League football.

And the drama still wasn’t over.

Inside seven minutes, Olaf had ‘let it go’ once again and completed his hat trick .

If anyone deserved a match ball after that trilogy of shots - it was him.

Merthyr Manager , Paul ‘The Saint’ Michael was looking around
for ‘desperate remedies’ to halt the flow of midfielder number 7 , Marcus Daws ( surely playing for the Magpies he must have a cousin Jack?) as at this point in the game ‘the only way was Wessex’ but his depleted squad had left him with very limited options on the bench- he even considered Jeff Hurley at one point.

3-2 up and our Big Ron Manager was witnessing the Dorset version of
the ‘Fast Show’ with the Saint trying to draw inspiration from his Former England Managers Coaching Manual- looking up from Under the Ron Greenwood Tree.

On 77 minutes he was added to a different book- the referee’s notebook that is.

In fairness, the Senior referee made his Mark on an excellent game, getting all the big calls correct and wouldn’t take any messing from players or managers alike.

Far too honest to make it at a higher level.

As the game entered the final stages both goalkeepers made tremendous saves to keep the scoreline down- on 82 minutes Horlick despite being desperate for a warm malted wheat & barley nightcap, tipped a John shot over the bar and then Will Fuller produced two one- handed saves from point blank range which were amongst the best I have ever seen live ever- nothing short of miraculous.

He can probably turn the water into wine on the coach trip home too- to commiserate his teammates.

The last five or so minutes saw Dorchester keep the ball in the corner to secure the win -frustrating the Away Team and fans alike -but understandably so given their perilous league position at the South of the Ern Premier.

It was a true Test of the D’Ubervilles alright but in one of ‘life’s little ironies’ ( Not Kerry Morgan’s Kitman )  it was the lower placed Magpies who finished the day higher up in the pecking order.

For Merthyr, we need an infusion of fresh blood to boost moral and keep our play-off  hopes alive.

Does anyone have Ryan Prosser & Ian Traylor’s upwardly mobile numbers on
Gary Speed dial?

Boz

The Dorchester manager complaining!!!!!
The Merthyr players and supporters must have been a hardy lot to withstand the cold weather!!

Just watched the Dorchester goals from yesterday, on their Twitter feed (X) and after their first, there was an altercation between ‘keeper Fuller and a couple of our defenders. (Although, what they were defending was questionable.) It wasn’t a great sight to witness, to be honest and it’s the first time I’ve seen anything of that nature this season. Just hoping it didn’t or doesn’t escalate for the remainder of it. I understand frustration can build both on and off the field, therefore I urge the management to ‘manage’ putting us back on the right path, for all concerned. I wait in anticipation on their post match views/analysis and more importantly, if there are any immediate plans to strengthen our threadbare squad.

Merthyr manager Paul Michael was given a yellow card and Dorchester boss Tommy Killick a red one and banished to the stands. In an interview he claimed twice the ball had crossed the line but goals were dsallowed. He said Merthyr were "a very good side " but praised his team.

Perhaps he was really feeling the cold and fancied somewhere a little warmer?