Home Alone

Home Alone

“Save me a seat!” I said in jest to Brian, the only fan sitting in the entire Grandstand seating 45 minutes before kick-off.

A midweek match under the floodlights between Merthyr Town and Poole Town at the Penydarren Park Stadium USED to be a big draw - but no longer - as the attendances have dropped quicker than the November air temperatures and with only 528 souls prepared to witness the close to zero degree spectacle - such poor showing is bound to eat into our playing budget and it’s limited finances.

It is only the Die Hard fans left and visiting Hollywood actor Bruce Willis completely agreed.

The poor wretch is suffering from Dementia, which goes a long way to explaining why he has taken to supporting the Martyrs.

We sat in silence together for the first ‘Demi’ of the match and then he said:

“I am sure I have been here before- first half hour - Fraser ( The Razor) Thomas cuts the Away Defence apart - but Merthyr can’t score- then they fade like a cheap henna tattoo before conceding early in the second half and then in the final few minutes….!”

“It’s like Deja Vue!” He continued.

“Penydarren Park is not the ‘Fortress’ it used to be!”

I replied:

“Never mind that Bruce…just sign this cheque for sponsorship and we’ll name the new toilet block after you….Bruce’ Willies has got a great ring to it….!”

“If you don’t hurry up Ryan Reynolds will beat you to it!”

So what went wrong for Merthyr Town again last night against the ‘Wet Bandits’ of Poole Town?

Well for starters, Merthyr Town had more absentees than the House of Commons , when the heavily subsidised ‘Strangers’ Bar in Parliament records Happy Hour.

No Matthew Harris, no Nick Rhodes or the biggest miss Liam Angel - so we had to partner Joe Widdiwiss at centre half with Tom Handley- a situation that must be so frustrating for Paul ‘ the Saint’ Michael and Andrew ‘the Devil’ Smith- as he is wasted in the back four.

He is one of the few players to possess an accurate powerful shot and if it was me I would tether him to the edge of the area and ensure he takes all free kicks within shooting range- if only to neuter future generations of visiting teams and reduce their fertility chances.

Anyone foolish enough to stand in the way of a Handley rocket deserves to get the ‘sack’

And in fairness, as my Twelve Monkeys costar pointed out that Merthyr played well for the first half, with the frozen legs of Meyhew beating the full back time after time but yet again was unable to find an accurate ball into the penalty area, as the Blue Wall of Poole held firmer than the 2019 General Election result.

With a change of goalkeeper on the cards to appease the Home Fans (after a few recent misdemeanours by our younger goalkeeper) in came the more experienced version to play under the cold starlight anticyclonic sky.

Understandably - as it was a ‘Fuller’ Moon too.

With the first half dominated by the Home Side - the only threat from Poole Town coming from a series of hits of the Roof of the David Miles Stand.

I saw them successively hit the D’s, the A , the V and the I.

They were MILES out.

0-0 at half time but Bruce and I had a ‘sixth sense’ it would not remain goalless.

And with a helping ‘hand’ from referee , John Duffy, we were proved correct.

On 54 minutes, a ball from the left flank was controlled by the arm of Tobias Holmes in the penalty area and he slotted the ball ‘Home’ from point blank range to give Fuller no chance for one-nil.

Despite howls of protests from all three of us fans in the Grandstand, Bryan, Bruce and Boz all sat on the Brentford seats…- all the Bees- which is coincidentally what we called referee ‘Duffy’ - the man who already denied Merthyr three first half penalties.

Tobias indeed.

Poor Saint Michael just stood there horrified -like Macauley Culkin- with his hands clasped on his face like a footballing version of Edvard Munich’s painting - the Scream ( as opposed to the Vegan Ice Cream Stand which had not sold an
Iced Olly Mayhew stick all night) as the Wet Bandits came in to steal all three points.

In questioning the decision to award the goal after the blatant handball, he was told that as the player had only used three fingers to control the ball then it should stand.

Presumably, that is why Smudger held two fingers up to the sleeping near sided but far-sighted linesman, who should have been included in the attendance figures - as he was more of a spectator than most of our fans.

I genuinely hope he paid to get in.

He waited for the referee to make a decision before he raised his flag in any direction- I think his name was Ian Decisive -but I couldn’t be certain - or like him I couldn’t be sure.

As usual, the goal changed the dynamic of the match, as the Martyrs had to redouble their efforts and leave them even more exposed at the back than John Candy’s Builders Cleavage.

Our Fans must think we are jinxed at home - perhaps the memorial garden is built on an old Roman Burial Ground or something- as we last won a home game way back in August.

Certain fans think we would be better off playing on grass but whilst it might relax the players - I don’t think cannabis is the solution to our woes at this joint.

And so the Nightmare before Christmas continues, as Pumping King, Jack Evans has emigrated Oop North to Farsley Celtic and there was no sign of an Angel around the Club Christmas tree this year.

And then to rub salt in the wound, the Grinch, in the form of Tony Jones got the Dolphins second on 90 minutes, after a neat move from the same flank but this time only without the Harlem Globetrotters impression.

0-2 to the Wet Bandits and it was not just the British Museum that was about to lose it’s Marbles.

Our Management did too.

As Bruce Willis said - ‘it’s Armageddon for the Martyrs- and arm a getting out of here!”

Even the Die Hard fans left before the final whistle.

It was a thoroughly professional win and tactical Orca performance from the Dolphins -just like Shamu the real time killer whale of Sea World.

All we Martyrs have left in a rapidly petering out season is hope.

Hope that very soon, the Management hear a bell - which Bruce Willis tells me is Hollywood slang for when an Angel gets its wings.

And hope that Liam hears that ring too this weekend so Tom Handley can move up and hit a couple of belters from the edge of the box- and bring those fair weather fans back.

Which will produce another Hollywood performance at Christmas.

It’s a Wonderful Life …..but not if you are Home Alone.

Boz

There was no need for the Martyrs fans to turn out in the cold as the game was on internet radio. Their view was that it was "fairly decent sized crowd." They probably weren't there on August 15 when the gate for the Tivvy game was 914! But they are more used to being at JD Cymru games where they can usually play spot the crowd.
However, the commentator did say his view was obstructed by a pillar.
There were some inaccuracies. Apparently Yakubu signed for Cirencester; Mehew seemed to have scored a lot more goals than in reality.  Referring to Rhodes, the reporter seemed to imply that he should have played more than nine games last season, due to his skills. But Rhodes was persuaded not to retire and signed for Merthyr last season only to quit again because of an ankle problem  after  a  friendly game. Then  he did return in October and was never on a losing side, I  believe. It does seem that his number of games is  limited. Agreed, Handley needed to be in a different position on Tuesday. One problem seems to be that Merthyr can rarely field the same side twice- that is how it is in  non-league. When Phil Booersma had a short spell as Merthyr boss, he told me he just couldn''t handle it compared to full--time pro football.
My friend's son, aged 13, who I introduced to the club last season, with some others, had been certain Merthyr would win as they were above Poole. He  was disappointed!! But he probably prefers rugby.
We couldn't have had  a tougher game this Saturday as leaders Salisbury have lost just one league game and they recall two 5- 0 defeats in their last  visits to the Park!!

Cardiff city were also home the same night which always seems to affect our gate and remember this period before Xmas always see a decline in attendances
The match itself I thought we played some outstanding football but things do not seem to be going for us at home at the moment
We have some difficult games with Salisbury then I believe Chesham away next coming up

This is the third successive season of poor home results. Last season there were only four home league wins on a 3pm Saturday kick-off. Two so far this term.
Merthyr gates do fall before Christmas (though not on Boxing Day) and when we have a cold snap.
But there must be a big discrepancy in the gate receipts between August 15 and Tuesday night[ -more than £2,000 I would estimate. I think there would have been a bigger crowd on Tuesday if home results had been better, regardless of the time of year or the weather. On the other hand, we are one of the better supported SL clubs. AFC Totton get about 1,300 but most of those are through free tickets to schools etc. I heard the paying crowd is about 300.
But in these economic times, football clubs are not exempt from financial problems; it's not just the players' wages that have to be paid. Mike Peters (The Alarm) at the club recently for what was billed as a "benefit" concert for Merthyr Town, as if the club was a charity..
Early season wins were against poor sides which gave a false impression.
In one match programme an article seemed to suggest the current team were better than those of the 40s/50s, the Lyn Jones side or the Colin Addison team!! I don't think agree with that, There are some good players but we need to get the best from them..