Yeading in the Right Direction

Yeading in the Right Direction

Is there anything better than a midweek game of football under the floodlights at Penydarren Park?

In my book the answer is no.

I doubt if tonight’s referee (according to the match day programme his name was Daniel Fudge) would agree though, as tomorrow he will be suffering from writers cramp caused by the number of names he placed in his little black book.

The only one missing was Prince Andrew.

Lee Lucas, Adam Davies, Ian Traylor, Dean Clarke & Gavin Williams all got a mention in the Cadbury version of the Yellow Pages and referee Fudge even booked one of the young Home Fans by mistake.

Living proof that a finger off Fudge is no longer considered able to give your kids a treat.

And at non-league level it is amazing how the performance of a referee can influence which side is likely to get the three points.

Tonight the Fudger cost Merthyr Town at least one point if not all three.

The game started well enough for the Welsh outfit, when centre half Kyle Patton slid in the opening goal after a goalmouth scramble following a corner from Ian Traylor.

He was deputising for loanee Ismael Yakubu, who was unavailable for selection against his parent club and put in a great performance in what might be his final game for Town , if the terrace rumours of his defection to the land of Gavin & Stacey are to be believed.

Patton knitted well with the purl of the Rhondda, Jarrad Wright, who is the Welsh equivalent of Imodium - stopping any dribbles at the back with ease.

But the league table doesn’t lie at this time of year, and Hayes & Yeading are well positioned for a play-off place this season and judging by the quality of their
‘Met coach’ parked on the Penydarren Park driveway, they look to be going places.

The last time I saw a coach of that quality it was called Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

The away team hit back inside two minutes to level the game thanks to a massive helping hand from referee Fudge, who should be credited with an assist after a blatant foul on a Merthyr striker seconds before, which left the Home player in a heap and several Martyrs defenders incandescent with rage at an awful decision from the Bournville B’stard.

But goal scorer Omar ‘Rowe’ didn’t care about the fuss or anger from the Home terraces at the injustice.

He wasn’t concerned with legitimacy of the goal or the illegitimacy of the official.

As Tourette’s syndrome hit the Merthyr Management quicker than a Chinese Takeaway driver from Wuhan Province, the air turned sky blue at the erroneous and costly decision.

At this point, Hayes & Yeading were now reinvigorated by the equaliser, as they showed that they were the quickest, if not the slickest team to grace our 3G this season.

Merthyr then lost the plot, as the ineffectual referee’s poor grip on the game culminated in handbags near the far touch line but more bizarrely a free kick for Merthyr but a booking for Lee Lucas in the melee.

It was such a bad booking that our defensive midfielder became the first player this season to be injured directly by a referee’s yellow card.

But Fudge wasn’t finished by a ‘Country’ Mile, he wanted his entry in the Guinness Book of Records for the most bookings in a game and did his level best to produce more cards than Moonpig dot com.

As I sat there with more clothes on than a Merthyr shoplifter leaving the Marks & Spencer changing cubicle, I could still feel the cold.

Not from the atmospheric conditions under the crescent moon, but the cold shoulder of Fudge, as he bated the home crowd with more and more debatable decisions, whilst letting the Away side get away with theatrical murder.

As usual the seasoned veterans of the Theatre End let the referee know what they thought of his performance with ironic cheers on the rare occasion, Fudge recognised that an assault had taken place on a Merthyr player.

Although oddly no yellow cards were forthcoming for equivalent fouls by the opposition or for more time-wasting than the Westminster construction gang working on Big Ben.

As halftime came and went, Hayes & Yeading realised they had a chance with the backing of their unofficial twelfth man to steal all three points.

It was a beautiful move from the third Chuckle Brother- Midfielder Toou Toomey- who found the only left winger left in the Country after Brexit and the ball was rifled into the net by their number 8.

Omar Rowe had suddenly turned into Omar God for the travelling United Fans.

The celebrations of their coaches could be heard 200 miles away in Hillingdon,as one of them sounded off like a foghorn to lead the goal celebrations.

Our initial enquiries established that he is an Airport Controller at the nearby Heathrow Airport who is employed to talk the pilots down in the event of radio failure.

The other coach, Clark Jenner ( Not to be confused with Bruce/Caitlin - Who is also coincidentally Middlesex ) celebrated in a different fashion by picking on the remnants of a discarded cob n chips from Holvey’s Tea bar.

2-1 to the Away Side and just like London in the Extinction Rebellion marches, it was time for the Dick Van Dyke brigade to shut up shop.

The Merthyr Management then decided on a dual substitution bringing on winger Corey Jenkins and Ben Swallow to use the width of the pitch to our advantage and it almost worked too, as it freed up the outstanding Traylor, who did everything in his superpowers to bring Merthyr level.

Firstly putting a beautiful Henman Lob to the far Post only to see Gethyn Hill glance his header off the top of the bar.

He was clearly missing his strike partner of the last decade, Ryan Prosser, as the extra inches, those Crown of Thorns give him do add up- even if he does puncture the odd ball or two.

Then the Aberdare Magician twisted two defenders inside and out and hit a great shot only to see Hayes keeper Jack Smith make a point blank save that Gordon Banks would have been proud of.

As shots and crosses peppered the Hayes box for the last 15 minutes, the Merthyr players gave their all to try and snatch a deserved point.

But the Londoners with their Blitz spirit held firm and showed why they will be up there come season end.

As the Hayes players celebrated with their travelling fans at the final whistle, away keeper was surprised to find that not only was his water bottle in the back of the net but a Merthyr kitchen sink too.

But with three away points in the bag, he knew his ‘Mean Machine’ were Yeading in the right direction.

Boz

To be fair to Mr Fudge, he is the referee for this coming Saturday's game. A bit of a mistake in last night's programme. Apologies - especially to Mr Fudge.
You will have to think up some fresh puns for Saturday.

Thank you Admin for pointing out the error of my ways.

I should have realised that there was something amiss, as the player line-up also included one youthful prospect called Bill Hullett.

That will teach me to rely on a careless ‘Wispa’ and get the wrong end of the ‘curly wurly’.

In future, I will ‘button’ it until I have consulted with both linesmen first.

It can’t be any ‘picnic’ refereeing Merthyr games after all.

I am sure that most officials that have had the misfortune of reading the Boz match reports over the last 8 or so years realise that I am clearly a ‘Whole Nut’ in any event.

I am certain that Mr Fudge will be as impartial as the next man, and get 100% of his decisions correct on Saturday, which will prove to be a real ‘Boost’ for the Merthyr Management.

Here’s to an impeccable performance from the man in black, who will receive a standing ovation from the Home Crowd long into the night, well after the match has ended.

( uncrosses fingers)

Boz

Glad the issue has not been fudged..