Massiv Staines

Massiv Staines.

Well, there is a saying in life that there is always someone worse off than yourself and recently in football terms that is Bolton Wanderers and today's opponents Staines Town.

Now those Northern Trotters have probably been bit by the teeth of karma for spraying graffiti on the front windscreen of that Cardiff City coach last season and totally deserve it for that act alone.

Imagine suggesting that Welsh people are intimate with animals?

It is about as original as a Jim Davison stand-up routine.

Whatever next?

That we in Wales are good at rugby, drinking and singing in choirs?

Besides - that's just the women.

Whereas on the other hand, our fellow struggling Evo-Stik opponents today, Staines Town FC players and fans deserve only applause for following their rock bottom team three and a half hours deep into the valleys of a different country, to support the only team beneath Merthyr in the recent form table.

Talk about Dai-hard fans.

After our recent poor run of form and injury list second only to those other die-hard fans, the Isis Caliphate, it was a welcome relief to have Staines Town FC visit the Met Coaches Stadium at Penydarren Park.

With their goal difference resembling our balance of trade deficit (since Brexit was first announced), it was not expected to be a difficult fixture, but few of the Home Fans expected Merthyr Town to be out of sight inside twenty first half minutes.

Or that Ian Traylor would have a faster hat-trick than fellow Welshman Tommy Cooper at the London Palladium.

Perhaps the low-flying neighbours of Heathrow Airport were still feeling the effects of the
M4 hangover or had decided relegation was inevitable and chose to blud 'Da Yoof Team' - but whatever the reason, they made the fatal mistake of ball-watching the Traylor Show and paid the price instantly.

The Welsh version of Johann Cruyff, rolled more defenders and twisted and turned his way through the Staines backline with ease - as if in some higher state of footballing being.

To score four goals in less time than it takes my wife to put on her make-up is exceptional - even by his high standards.

And the goals just kept on coming, I even felt sorry for young keeper Louis Dixon, as my primary school teaching son , Curtis had done more marking this weekend than the rest of the Staines Town defence.

Ali G would have described their performance as 'wicked'.

With the Staines Swans seemingly full of lead, but still with three quarters of the game to go- Traylor seemed embarrassed to take any more shots on target, as he was frightened Merthyr Town (just like Bolton Wanderers), couldn't afford to award him TWO match balls.

His fellow strikers, Tom Meechan and Owain Jones too were warned by the Merthyr Management only to score a brace each, which they duly obliged on 18, 21, 29 & 37 minutes.

With the halftime score at 8-0 to the Home Side, certain supporters with dual membership of Merthyr Town FC and Penydarren Country Eleven Cricket Team suggested that we should declare.

To their absolute credit, the Staines Players came out and played the second half as if the scoreline was still nil-nil.

Former Tottenham man, Club Captain and principal playmaker, Harry Agombar was doing his best to 'Spur' his team into action and the Sky blues finally made a few forays into the opposing half but regrettably for the Away side there was precious little attacking flair to trouble on-loan goalie Swansea City youngster, Scott Reed.

With Merthyr Town this season having had more replacement keepers than the Killer Whale enclosure at Sea World in Florida, the Loanee Swansea City stopper had less to do than
Arthur Scargill's barber, whilst in contrast the English Swan must had had a 'cob' on as the young 'prodigy' was coming under more fire than the Keith Flint cremation.

With less than 5 second half minutes on the officials watches ( Surely with their local manufacturing history Staines Lagonda would have had a Lino or two up their sleeve?) a Ben Swallow corner found Mighty Connor Young to swing in a shot at the back post to make it -

Booyakasha-Merthyr 9 Staines 0.

It was a fitting scoreline to send off in style our former manager Lyn Jones.

I am sure from his black n white dugout in the sky, he would have applauded each and every goal.

As did our new Leader for the day.

In the absence of concussed Skipper Ashley Evans and Deputy Dawg of War , Adam Davies it was Central Defender Kyle Patten who stepped up to the plate, barking his orders.

Who would have thought that Captain Patten that started the game would soon become a nine-star?

'Generally' speaking.

But the man of the match for me ( despite the Traylor Show) was the courageous goalie
Louis Dixon.

Bar for the Staines Massiv , it would have been like that 1990's US Drama show -
thirty something.

In the end, it was a precious three points for Merthyr and a confidence booster for our struggling side.

Playing the team at the base of the English pyramid was always a risk of being on a hiding to nothing.

As Mrs Dwayne Johnson would confirm Rock bottom Staines are never easy to beat.

But thankfully it all came out in the wash.



Boz