Trapped in with the Wife for 24 hours a day?....Here’s Magic circle

Magic Circle.

Sarge, wake up....you won’t believe who we got downstairs!” said PC Isaac Haynes to his Senior Colleague Peter ‘Wolf’ Blass.

They don’t call this the graveyard shift for nothing thought the Sergeant as he struggled to come to terms with his surroundings as he was completely shattered.

As Duty Sergeant that evening , he had a greater selection of belts and shoelaces than the Precinct Cobblers.

“You know that magician who had that glass box strung across the River Taff yesterday... well he has only come in to our Swan Street station tonight on our shift!” enthused Haynes.

As the Sarge came around from his slumber he said groggily

“ Who did you say it was?”

“ You’ll like this Sarge....not a lot but you’ll like this...it’s that illusionist and magician Thomas Cooper Junior from Caerphilly....and he’s here to report a missing person!” continued Haynes.

“ Where have you got him ?” said Wolf Blass.

“ PC Owens is taking a statement from him in Interview Room 1!”

“ You say she just disappeared into thin air!” said PC Owens reading back from the statement.

“ From a Glass box suspended 100 feet above River Taff in the centre of Merthyr Tydfil on a Thursday afternoon in broad daylight!” he continued in his best
Helen Mirren voice.

“ Yes....the lady vanishes....just like that!” said Cooper.

“ Look this isn’t Miss Marple....people don’t just disappear in Merthyr ....the River Taff isn’t exactly the East River in New York.!” he said disbelieving the version of events.

“ I’ve told you already....my wife Helena was performing a publicity stunt in the glass box to promote our forthcoming extravaganza at Caerphilly Castle....the Big Cheese...you know!” said Cooper ...

“ Look I came here to report her disappearance but you plods told me that it was standard procedure to wait 36 hours to see if she turns up ....well she hasn’t turned up......and now I am being treated as a suspect!” moaned Cooper.

“ Well it is standard South Wales Police procedure to obtain all available facts before interviewing witnesses and investigating potential crime...it’s not like we give out crime numbers on a whim!” said PC Owens.

As the conversation tailed off in through the door came Isaac Haynes to play ‘bad cop’.

As he beat the tip of his truncheon into his other hand he interrupted events.

“ It’s not like we are used to celebrity magicians and their cunning stunts...he began to hit his palm harder....we are far more used to stunning c.....er ...people who don’t co-operate with our methods of interrogation....Mr Cooper....after all this is a family record of drink and wife-beating on file...care to comment....!” said Haynsey in a darker tone of voice.

“ Well protocol dictates that once a person is missing for the prescribed 36 hours ....then we can investigate....the time runs out in 10 minutes as so does my shift unfortunately....but I will investigate it tomorrow.....any witnesses present when she went?” asked PC Owens.

“ Well it was a mid-week afternoon and Weatherspoons was closed for painting...about 2000 people had no where else to go but gather by the River...and there were Firemen there too....can I go now or am I a suspect.....?” asked Cooper sweating profusely.

“ Just leave you passport behind...and don’t go anywhere!” interjected Haynsey.

“ Your joking with that Icelandic Volcano cloud about ....aren’t you!” said Cooper.

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As PC Owens pulled up outside the front of the Fire Station the boys were busy cleaning passing cars for charity.

“ Evening All...!” he said as he met Station Officer Paul Slider.

“ I’m working on a missing person’s case and wonder if any of your boys saw anything suspicious yesterday...involving the Magician’s stunt over the River Taff?” asked Owens.

Fireman Sam Tan stepped forward covered in Navy emulsion.

He had been busy redecorating his colleague’s friend’s house whilst he was on shift duty.

Only his wife was there.

Looking at the Fireman’s arm and timepiece covered in paint he knew he was part of ‘Blue Watch’

As he lifted his tee-shirt up over his builder’s cleavage, being in the presence of some-one who checked alibis and whereabouts he suddenly had a back draft.

“ I’m investigating the disappearance of a woman on Thursday afternoon...did you see anything out of the ordinary?” questioned the officer.

“ Well ...yes it was the same day the collect students had a charity race in the Taff...they had the Merthyr equivalent of the Oxford & Cambridge boat race...two inflatable dolls...the Great Blondini and a cheap Thai import one were raced over by the college students covered in sanitary towels....”.

“It was the start of ‘Rag week’”.

“ Naturally, the Great Blondini went over the Caedraw weir first...the other one stuck in the Georgetown culvert ....over there ....it might help you with your enquiry....eliminate that it wasn’t your real missing woman.!” said Sam trying to lead him off his scent.

As PC Owen reached the college car park he noticed that there were many carrier bags trapped on the Taff side railings.

Litter was not unusual in Merthyr but theses bags had sausage rolls and canapés emblazoned with the head of Kerry Katona airbrushed out.

Owens concluded these must be the fall out from the Iceland Volcano.

Besides the litter there were loads of newspapers from Reyjavik strewn everywhere.

That’s the thing with these magicians thought Owens...its all ‘smoke and mirrors’.

As he reached inside the sewer aperture he retrieved the Thai inflatable doll loser.

It was called “Quim Broad Banned” and bore the proud boast guaranteed to go down on you....the ultimate ‘blow job’.

There was something else too.

The keen eyesight of the super sleuth had spotted something else on the doll too.

An additional entry hole that was more of a burn mark and it wasn’t just friction.

This was a laser burn.

Like the kind they used in the Nightclub play to project a naked Gail Porter onto the Castle Street buildings like had happened in the Houses of Parliament at Westminster .
PC Owens knew then that there was no woman in that glass box...the whole thing was just an elaborate cover for something more sinister.

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Back at the Swan Street station PC Haynes and Sergeant Wolf Blass were reaching the same conclusion.

They had received a call from a Nant Garw taxi man which led them to believe that the Cooper’s relationship was less than ‘magic’.

He had witnessed Mr Cooper upgrading his wife for a newer GTI model and became disgruntled by the lack of respect shown for him and his silence.

He could have sold the story to the paparazzi like everyone else but the ultimate insult had come when the magician had placed an object in his top pocket with the magic words ‘Have a drink on me!”.

Expecting to see money he was enraged to find a used tea-bag.

He thought it was a bonus and not just a PG Tip.

The taxi driver had little qualm in describing how he had tried to saw a woman in half using his magic wand in the back of his taxi in a Caerphilly ‘lay-by’.

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On the strength of this ‘mean business’, in order to mean business a search warrant was issued by the Magistrates Court to search back stage of the Cooper household.

Wolf Blass & Haynes experienced field officers made their way to the Caerphilly abode to see what bodies they could discover behind the curtains of the place.

Wolf Blass yelled out when he found a heavy ‘Lonsdale’ suitcase in the attic.

He was in the process of ‘boxing helena’.

It was full of arms and legs with the wedding ring carefully removed awaiting dispatch to the hard shoulder of the M4 motorway.

Haynsey made a grim discovery.

As he reached into the black top hat on the table the constable expected to find a white rabbit.

He did in fact find a beaver.

The locked fridge too revealed its grisly secrets on the command ‘Open Sesame’.

Inside was the rest of Mrs Cooper...head and teeth neatly removed to prevent identification from dental and other records.

As Wolf Blass lifted a Moroccan style head piece containing the internal organs of the late Mrs Cooper he told his junior the motive behind the crime.

“ He wanted to enter the Magic Circle ....it was a crime of passion...

“a ‘Fez’ of the Heart!”