Ever felt like running away to the Circus?....here’s Big Top

Big Top

Looking out from the rear garden window Raymond Tard became so excited .

He had waited for this moment for years.

He could see a Big Top ....and it wasn’t just the one that his overweight neighbour Joy Adamson had bought from Manettes and was hanging on the rear washing line.

This was the real thing .

The circus had come to town and was busy setting up on the Pandy Fields in Cyfarthfa Park Merthyr Tydfil.

Raymond was 18 years of age and shouldn’t therefore be so easily excitable ...but the truth is Raymond was not a true adult.

He had the mental age of 12 and as his elderly mother had once delicately told him he was descended from the same tribe as Ghengis and Kublar Khan.

He believed he had Royal Blood .

The truth was that as his mother was over 40 having him and had refused an
amnio-synthesis.

He was in fact from the Mongol Dynasty.

Just one extra chromosome from his gene pool had left him a little slow on the uptake but very loving none the less.

At the moment Raymond didn’t care.

He was busily packing his bags ready to fulfil a promise he had made to himself when he was nine.

He would run away and join the circus.


*****

Alyn ‘Chipperfield’ Short hated it when the circus came to town.

The little dwarf was always summonsed by the local Job Centre plus to go and find work ...but due to his diminutive stature no-one would hire him.

This suited him because he didn’t want to get out of his Mothercare Bed too early in the morning.

His last job 18 months ago was ‘skirting board polisher’ at the Cyfarthfa Castle and he hated every minute of it.

He knew that the Job Centre would give him another ‘ring’ this time and he knew if he didn’t take the job they would stop his benefit.

‘Altitude- challenged Circus performer’ was the job title but he felt like a real clown in all that greasepaint.

Today he was given the task of delivering pamphlets promoting Billy Thick’s Circus around the houses in Pandy Close.... but only because the letterboxes were nearly at floor level .

He had almost lost his fingers too to that Dachshund in Number 28.

Waddling up the garden path with his miniature bow legs moving stiffly, he looked like Jordan on return from Honeymoon with a cage fighter.

As he lifted himself up onto the doorstep of number 30 he lifted the letterbox and began to slide in the promotional pamphlet.

Wary that there was the possibility of another dog he tottered off balance as the door was opened and he was forcibly lifted into the air by the back of his stripy tee-shirt.

If anyone had seen him Alyn looked like a miniature sky-rocket in the Trecco Bay Amusement Park as he flew through the air...little legs kicking away helplessly.

****


Dentist Andrew Klees hated Thursday Mornings with a vengeance .

This was the day when most elderly patients in Merthyr came to the Health Centre.

This particular morning , he was grateful that the Health Centre Trust Policy had forced him to wear his blue mask when treating patients directly.

“ Mr Pierre...whilst I am here to treat your oral hygiene...I would appreciate it if you didn’t have oral sex before you came to see me.... aren’t you a little old for that now?” said the Dentist.

“ 69 Doc....” came Pierre’s reply.

“ Yes....I know what you did last night!” said Andrew mumbling behind the mask.

“ No 69 is my age Doc....it was my birthday and I have been seeing a lot of older women from that Lonely Hearts Column....that Viagra....it’s marvellous see!” said Pierre.

“ Those older women...their like Australia...you know...everyone knows wear it is but no-one wants to go there......and I was given a Gift by God....when I was little I learned to breathe through my ears in Pant Baths....if I knew then what I know those Siegfield Follies swimmers wouldn’t have been safe!” continued Pierre.

“ So you did have oral sex last night!” said the Dentist disapprovingly.

“ How do you know that Doc....does my breath smell of lavender....is there a pubic hair between my teeth?” Pierre said looking into the overhead mirror and smiling cheesily.

“ You still got shit on your nose!” said the Dentist shaking his head and offering him a kleenax.

“ Can you catch herpes from a good sixty-nine involving a snickers bar?” asked Pierre mouth full of cold sores.

“ Is it safe?” asked the Dentist leaning over the ‘Marathon Man’

“ No ....but at your age....he said looking down at the bulge in Pierre’s trousers.... just remind her not to use dental cement just before the event next time, or you might not get the dentures off your chopper for a month!”

As Pierre left Dentist Andrew Klees turned to his assistant Polly Grip and they laughed together.

“ I knew I should have become a vet....like I always wanted to!”

****

Mrs Cynthia Tard was busy helping out with the British Heart Foundation Charity Shop.

It was amazing what strange items people gave to the charity.

Her eyes was taken by a fancy dress costume of the Norse God of Thunder- Thor.

She knew her son Raymond would absolutely love it.

He was obsessed with all things mythological as he had a vivid imagination.

When he was little he would sit for hours watching the Kirk Douglas/Tony Curtis film the ‘Vikings’ without a sound.

Unfortunately she also discovered during this film that little Raymond was sub-normal .

He had tried to make himself look like Kirk Douglas by replicating his famous dimple.

He would have succeeded too...it was only by the ‘luck of the Gods’ that the fuse in the electric nailgun had blown the week before otherwise he would have really had a ‘Thor point’.

Raymond had gone to Brecon Road Infants school at the age of 16 and had bonded well with his 7 year old class mates to whom he was known as ‘Rainman’.

It was there that his love of ancient history was encouraged and nurtured.

But this week he had spotted the poster advertising the Circus from Northern Europe and he was ‘Loki’ng forward to meeting real life Vikings and not just the local Goths & Vandals.

As the phone rang Mrs Tard answered it on the third ring.

“ Hello British Heart Foundation?” she answered.

“ Mam...I got one!” said the caller excitedly.

“ Is this you Raymond?” she replied.

“ Yes....Mam and I really have got one this time!” said Raymond.

“ One what Raymond?” enquired his mother nervously.

“ A troll...Mam....!” said Raymond in teutonic triumph.

“ Raymond....I have told you a hundred times...trolls do not exist...that last one you claimed you caught was just next door’s cat....!” said Mam.

“ Mam.....I have got one...honest....I got him in the cupboard under the stairs!”

“ I’ll be home now in half an hour!” came the reply.

*****

This message came too late for Raymond who pulled the phone receiver so hard out of the wall as he approached the cupboard door.

“Can you hear him banging....!” he said to dead handset

**********************************************************

Cyfarthfa Park and in particular were a hive of activity as the ‘carnies’ began to set up the Big Top and prepare for the opening night of Kaiser Wilhelm Thick’s circus.

Billy Thick’s circus didn’t sound as exciting as Kaiser’s .

It didn’t have that authentic Northern European tradition or history.

The advent of a circus was once hailed as a spectacular event and drew in crowds from miles around but nowadays it was more of a sideshow.

Often run on a shoestring the quality of the acts and objections to the use of animal acts had ruined what had been a magnificent occasion for children for hundred of years.

As the sawdust was scattered onto the floor at the centre of the big top the neutral observer could see acrobats swinging high above the centre ring on trapeze and rigging ropes.

Unfortunately, the circus attracted more than just neutrals and excited children, it also attracted the attention of the Health & Safety Brigade.

Peering through the bottom of his milk bottle thick NHS glasses local Council official Robert Killjoy , opened the tent flap and staggered inside.

“ Can I speak to the man in charge of operations!” he demanded over his black MTCBC clipboard.

“ Are you he?” he asked the closest circus person to him.

“ Piss off ...I’m the bearded woman....!” it replied pointing the myopic official towards the head honcho.

“ Are you in charge here?” demanded Killjoy.

“ Well I am the Ringmaster!” said Julian Clarey dressed up to the nines in full make-up and ringmaster regalia.

“ You don’t know who I am?” asked the camp entertainer turning his head to the side inquisitively.

“ I’m Robert Killjoy from the local Council and I’ve come to check that the place is safe for the public to use whilst your in Merthyr!” said the official forcefully.

“ Don’t you love the smell of the Ring.....!” replied Clarey motioning to the other employees who the stranger was behind his back.

“ No...actually I don’t !” said Killjoy refusing to be distracted from his job.

“ What’s that chimp doing there out of his cage?” demanded Killjoy.

“ That’s not a chimp.....lied Clarey....that’s the son of the bearded woman!”

“ He’s very hairy for a boy...isn’t he ....!” replied Killjoy suspiciously.

“ I’ve seen lots of hairier old boys up close to my face than him....besides its in the gene pool obviously...!” continued Clarey.

“ Show me where you keep the real animals then !” demanded Killjoy.

As Clarey led Killjoy out of the back of the Big Top, he followed a trail of straw which led to the animal enclosures.

Killjoy was astounded to see that this Circus had cages for both lions and tigers in situ.

He too was in situ as he suddenly felt out of his depth.

After all he had originally been given the job as dog warden before being promoted in the latest reshuffle of staff to ‘ Senior Executive Officer and Inspector of Animal Welfare’.

This title confused him somewhat as he had no staff directly under him but the salary was Well Fare.

He gazed in amazement as he saw that there were camels, elephants and ponies too of which he knew even less about.

He just continued to mark each enclosure with the words ‘Killjoy was Here’.

********************************************************************

Dentist Andrew Klees was excited as he rang his little seven year old daughter to tell her he had secured ringside seats for the Circus tonight.

He was in fact more excited than his daughter as the Dentist had a passion for animals shared by a lot of Merthyr people and was eagerly awaiting the chance to see these creatures up close and personal.

He can recall as a child getting his head caught in the railings at the lion’s enclosure in Bristol Zoo.

His big ears had prevented his immediate release as the young lion cub had headed towards him with mother in tow.

Startlingly the cub and mother had not as expected bitten off young Andrews’ head but sat close by as the young child removed a small thorn from the lion’s paw.

The lion in return had just licked his face gratefully.

He had been in love with Big Cats ever since....he even had developed a morbid curiosity for George Melly music......

Tonight Andrew Klees would meet the only lions in captivity outside Longleat.

**************************************************************

As Mrs Tard struggled to pass the profusion of big jeeps parked around number 21 she made her way up the pathway to the front door of her Pandy Close property clutching the fancy dress costume she had just bought for her son.

She didn’t have time to turn the key in the lock as the door was opened eagerly by her excited son Raymond.

“ Look Mam....I have really got one this time.....my very own troll....can I keep him....can I ask him to show me where he has buried his pot of gold....can I Mam?” pleaded Raymond.

Call it mother’s intuition but as soon as she heard the banging from the inside of the stair cupboard door she knew something was wrong.

As she undid the catch and opened the door slightly there was silence and then out from his prison shot Alyn ‘Chipperfield’ Short as quick as his little oompah-lumpa legs would carry him towards the daylight and open front door.

Waving his miniature fist once he had reached the safety of the gate he threw the remainder of the Circus posters into the garden and shouted loudly about false imprisonment before heading towards the Big Top nervously.

“ Mam....you let him get away....I told you there were such things as Trolls...but you wouldn’t believe me!” moaned Raymond.

Suddenly the child caught sight of the Thor costume and let out a shriek of delight.

“ It’s Hammer Time!” he said as he boogied his way in the hallway towards the garden shed.

***************************************************************

The Big Top was full to capacity.

The audience sat excitedly chattering away awaiting the live entertainment show.

Joy Adamson looked complete in her own Manette’s sparkly big top, and sat next to her candyfloss loving son .........who had just finished gorging on three burgers and a chilli hot dog from the multitude of stalls outside the tent.

Next to her sat Raymond and Mrs Tard .

Little Raymond had his Thor costume on to the amusement of some of the children in the audience who were pointing and laughing.

One of which Tommy G aged 13 could not believe his eyes...the man was at least 18 and looked like he had raided Hulk Hogan’s costume wardrobe.

He laughed with his friend Rhys Joseph at the ridiculous spectacle and laughed even more when their diminutive friend Donovan Rhys was caught by the Circus staff trying to sneak in without paying under the tarpaulin.

In the front row...ringside....sat Dentist Andrew Klees and family.

He had brought special glasses with him as he was aware that the sawdust had a habit of flying up and blinding the wary especially as the animals circled the ring.

As Ringmaster Julian Clarey entered the arena, the crowd began to hush as he announced the collection of acts on show that evening.

Western European Circuses were dying a death but the tradition was still maintained in Russia and China –where a lot of the acts tonight originally hailed from.

As the lights were dimmed loud music played Wagner’s the ‘Flight of the Valkeries’ as the spotlights turned to the tent ceiling as acrobats dressed as scantily clad German Woman uni-cycled on inch wide tyres high above the arena with no safety net below.

Raymond was shouting loudly and clapping and cheering as dressed as Thor he wanted to get up and at one of those women and ‘Frigga’.

Next came the Chinese high-wire walker who was encouraging his four –year old son to ‘take the plunge’ and walk across a cage filled with lions, tigers and a black panther.

Little Nippon Wyre was reluctant to do but after just one lick of the Ringmaster’s whip he began to inch his way over the cage.

Below riding a mini-bike was the bald headed British Lion tamer...Leo Cullen....the bare-chested man was busy introducing his ‘pride’ and ‘joy’ by making his big cats sit on stools and jump through hoops of fire.

As each creature was introduced he cracked his whip loudly on the floor sending up sawdust wildly.

“Elsa....Syndrome....Simba...Nielson (A Black Panther)....and Elton...a Ben Gal Toiger!” he announced in a tick Irish brogue accent.

As he did so Robert Killjoy sat motionless (he had already shit himself) knowing he had signed the safety certificate to allow the performance to happen earlier that daylight.

He began to panic even more when a two ton elephant African Elephant called ‘Feltz’ entered the perimeter of the arena causing the array of lions and tigers to take their eyes from their potential ‘Chinese Food’ for the evening.

As the Elephant came close to Raymond the attractive mahout asked him if he wanted to offer the elephant a bun.

Raymond took it and innocently offered it to his neighbour Joy Adamson.

The bun was of course snatched from her hand by the gluttonous son who wolfed it down in one much to the annoyance of the elephant who proceeded to lift up the ‘little’ boy with his trunk and bash him against the centre Big Top main supporting Pole.

Little Nippon Wyre, having trained in Chinese Earthquake conditions before just continued to edge his way across the wire to safety.

What he hadn’t been trained for was the Icelandic volcano style cloud of sawdust that flew up from the elephant who trumpeted at both ends before bringing down the ‘final curtain’ on proceedings for the night.

As the lion cage was put under more and more pressure from above it began to contort and bend adding to the already full pants of the Council Official.

There may not have been any fatalities if the Lion Tamer hadn’t shouted out the name of the Council Official to come and help shore up the damage.

“ Killjoy!” was interpreted as an order by the lions and the lioness Elsa jumped onto the lap of the hapless Joy Adamson who had her throat ripped out.

At least the woman and the lion were ‘Bun Free’.

The next lion ‘Syndrome’ headed towards Dentist Andrew Klees who sat still protecting his terrified daughter.

Suddenly ‘Syndrome’ paused sniffed the air around the dentist recognising that he was the one years earlier who had taken the thorn out of his paw.

He still ripped out off his ‘drill’ arm anyway.

The Lion tamer shouted vainly for his lion to stop his savagery.

“ Down Syndrome!” he ordered man to beast.

“ That’s a bit harsh !” shouted Mrs Tard as her Viking son leapt into action.

Producing a Black & Decker from under his cape ,he swung his hammer violently cracking the beast on the temple.

The scene was like bedlam, as in the public panic trampling children and clowns alike in the process of mass evacuation.

In the confusion the Ringmaster lost sight of the bearded woman as a herd of Gurnos look-a-like cousins surrounded the creature.

Poor old Alyn ‘Chipperfield’ Short realised all too soon, at eye level why they were called ‘bearded women’ in those short white ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ Koller miniskirts.

He was engulfed in a sea of odour, lavender and Chlamydia as the tarpaulin collapsed like the women on top of him.

****

Outside the tent, the lions were using their natural selection process to select and chase down their victims.

Poor little Donovan Rees realised all too well from the Richard Attenborough Documentaries that it was survival of the fittest.

As he ran as fast as he size three feet would carry him....he tried to ‘stot’ like a Springbok on the African Plain as he raced up the drive towards the Castle Forecourt .

Being unable to reach the lowest branch of a tree was normally a disadvantage, but fortunately he had watched the documentary channels on sky and knew lions could climb trees.

He ran headlong for the relative safety of the monkey bars in the adventure playground.

Tommy G was less lucky.

He was being backed up a tree by the lion known as Simba.

As the branches got thinner the lion got bigger as he closed in on his prey.

It was a split second decision but Tommy G opened out his anorak and jumped towards the adjacent pine tree.

Like a Cyfarthfa Park squirrel, he landed safely with a mass of pine cones in his curly hair but otherwise safe from the nasty mammal.

“ Get down from there you vandal!” shouted Head-Teacher Mr Pilchard from his convertible sportscar not realising what was going on.

Not is until the lion joined him as a passenger.

The Chemistry teacher turned solid into liquid on that very spot.

Donovan puffed on knowing that he was being pursued and that his pursuer was getting closer.

Racing passed the Tuck Shop and Bandstand at full pelt he ran straight towards his pal Powell Rees who was encouraging his pal to run like the wind.

As he threw open the two-part stable door of the tuck shop Donovan ran straight under it.

As Powell bolted the door , the pals were relieved as they realised they were safe for now.

At the far end the glass serving hatch was still open and the owner ice-cream in hand tried to work out where the queue he was serving had suddenly disappeared to.

“ Lyons Maid?” anyone he called out wondering what was going on.

“ How fast does this miniature Steam Train go?” asked little Lynnie Richards (ginger curls flowing in the breeze) nervously to Steam Train driver Paul Casey-Jones.

“ Why?” he asked

“ I think we have a tiger on our tail!” she replied as they thankfully made it to the tunnel entrance.

Losing interest the tiger moved on.

*************************************************************

Down by the Cyfarthfa Lake , Bald- headed Solicitor Rennie Abramovitch nonchalantly walked along admiring the view of his new extension , pedigree lap dog at his side.

Suddenly Elsa the lioness pounced on his dog taking its head into its mouth.

“ Not again!” he said after a mormontary lapse.

His years of working out in JJB gym, paying off as he wrestled the giant kitty into submission, tripping it and drowning it in the lake.

The Big Cat couldn’t get a grip on the hairless dome and disappeared below the water bubbling ‘frosties’ as she went.

“ Oi .....shouted the parkie.....that’s against the Bye (Cep) Laws...no Tipcat allowed in the Park!”

*********************************************************************

Local pervert Mackintosh ‘Flash’ Gordon was having the best night ever he experienced in his life.

Standing next to the trees at the rear of Cyfarthfa Castle he was busily ripping open his dirty raincoat and exposing himself to women.

He had never been so proud as they kept screaming and running away.

He stood next to a huge conifer tree and got ready for the next unsuspecting passer-by.

Unfortunately as he exposed his little worm to the world, it was not a disappointed lady....this time it was a Bengal Tiger who bit down on the ‘tool’ of his trade.

As Ringmaster Julian Clarey scarpered past, in a puff of make-up...he shouted loudly spotting the flasher’s pre’dick’ament..

“ You lucky bugger....that one has no teeth....but we do call him Elton for a reason...he is a maneater!”

For the first time in his life ‘Flash’ Gordon had found a hot pussy who didn’t run away from him.

He thanked the Gods above.

It was the last thing he would do before he entered Valhalla as from above came the shape of Thor , the thunder God , raining down his hammer like lightening striking the cat and then the pervert dead in a Sutcliffe.

Flash Gordon had been killed by Mong the Merciless.

Gordon should have known there would be trouble.

Everyone in Merthyr gets hammered on a Thursday Night!!!!