Last 'Ditch effort

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Last 'Ditch effort Empty Last 'Ditch effort

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Apr 28, 2018 3:18 pm


This 2017/2018 season has been a strange one for Merthyr Town.

What started with renewed optimism ended with an ironic twist of fate.

Merthyr's opponents today were another team in the red, but for different reasons -
Midland Outfit- Redditch United.

As usual, the Red Flag Martyrs had tried their best to 'pack the park' and had put on an Oasis day in Romans Bar to mark the occasion - with a promise that if you bought a pint-
'you get a roll with it' too.

With the arrival of the Away Side 'Dudley' bus, which would not have looked out of place in the Birmingham & Midland Museum of Transport at Wythall, the players on masse headed for the changing rooms.

Female 'Olive' driver, Amber Rudditch, was busy emptying the kit off the Wind Rush Express, as I made my way towards the turnstiles.

At the clubhouse, Clarkie was surprised to open the home dressing room door only to find former Martyrs Striker, Stuart Fleetwood changing into his black n white kit whilst eating a pre-match Merthyr austerity meal of Beans on Toast.

As the Merthyr players filed in....he asked 'What's the story?' ...Morning Corey!'

When questioned - Fleetwood apologised and explained it was 'force of habit'.

Clarkie replied : 'As long as you get 'nun' against us...then that's fine.

With so much inside knowledge of Merthyr tactics and formations, the Merthyr Management feared they had a spy in the camp.

So all the past team line-ups that had been written on the back of Ladbroke betting slips and matchboxes were discarded in favour of a reverting to a previous managers selection procedure.

A blindfold version of pinning the tail on a donkey determined who would now start against Redditch.

With the enforced absence of Captain Marble (who had literally busted a gut for Merthyr on the pitch) and the First Man (on the Team sheet) from the line-up, Town went with a three man back line consisting of a converted centre half at left back and two midfielders playing out of position in central defence.

A Hereford Loanee on the right wing and a Swansea Loanee up front.

And of course, a keeper not old enough to play the National Lottery.

But they say that a bad workman blames his tool (or was that lover?),
however, I would love to see our Manager go on Masterchef and repeat his Evostik Premier footballing miracle,  and create caviar and champagne out of Farm Foods fish paste and Cava.

After a brief 'sponsored' walk to our Office pitch side advertising hoarding, I decided to invest in a Masterchef delicacy- Merthyr- style- in the shape of cob n chips.

Not long after I had returned to both of my seats, I had another 'cob' on.

It came after Jack to a King, Kerry Morgan had scored a goal of the season contender with a strike that caught WBA loanee keeper, Ethan Ross with his baggies down.

Just like England's Frank Lampard shot against Germany and Spurs Pedro Mendes strike against Manchester United's Roy Carroll, King Kerry's goal was incorrectly chalked off by referee Simon Wales.

Anyone with 20/20 vision or even looking through the bottom of unigate milk bottles could see that the ball had crossed the line more than Ant McPartlin driving home after a Saturday Night Takeaway.

Even Redditch Captain Jimmie Mutton looked 'sheepishly' at the official.

But still Mr Magoo refused to give it.

Fortunately, with a new mature Kerry Morgan he didn't let the injustice go to his head.

He continued to run the show single-handedly- a la Declan Donnelly- and teased and tormented the Redditch defence putting in crosses and shots, as if the ball was his personal property.

But even he didn't have it all his own way, as Redditch had a secret weapon of their own, in the form of their number 5 Jordan Mills.

He became the most reviled Mills to arrive in Merthyr this week since Trago.

The Dark Satanic Mills was a devil of an opponent, as he looked to have the full footballer's skill set- pace, tackling, passing, drive and dribbling.

With his distinctive 'Play-Doh' hair, he 'mopped' everything up in the first half that Town threw at him.

It was mainly down to him. that the visitors left the field a goal to the good at half-time  ( just check that fact with Gordon 'Statto' Auty*)after Redditch front man Adam Page had beaten the Ed Stone Wall with a neat drilled shot into the far corner of the net after a defensive faux pas.

*Boz note for Ownes- I have deliberately misspelt Awty to see if he notices.

As they came off the pitch, Away Keeper Ethan Ross seemed to indicate to the near side linesman with his hands that the ball had crossed the line by two or three feet....either that or he was entranced by the rave music in Romans and was enacting a dance mime of 'big fish, little fish, cardboard box'.

In a rare act of sportsmanship which is to be applauded, he wanted to ensure that the linesman didn't cancel his forthcoming appointment at LensCrafters this coming week.

SuperGav was still livid about the inequity of the disallowed goal and decidedly rather unwisely to question the officials about their blunder.

He was also incensed because the referee should have given a penalty for a blatant tug on the
Holy Beard which unbalanced him in the box- and it was a clear foul, as everyone could see that the lit letters I.N.R.I were replaced by T.I.L.T.

But the Prossiah was not dead and buried by a long way.

He got the equaliser after an inch perfect cross from Morgan on the right allowed him to do what he does best and head the ball into the net.

Less than two minutes later, the outstanding Morg-ician waved his magic boots and went on a trademark run ending in a clumsy step-over not seen since Kim Jong-Il put his cheesy feet alongside his new Seoul Mates in South Korea.

Given the fact that referee Simon Wales had already sent SuperGav to the stands for daring to suggest that he check his legitimacy and parentage on Incestry.Co.Uk, the
Outlaw No-see Wales had to award a penalty, otherwise he would not have escaped our Frontier Town with his life intact.

As the penalty responsibility was given to the Holy Beard- he was not the only one who looked assured, as his multitude of followers were also confident he had a 'Second Coming'.

With the Martyrs 2-1 up it was the turn of the Redditch Manager to 'Harris' the referee.

From his seat in the stand SuperGav carried on playing with the VAR system but unfortunately the Merthyr Video Assisted Refereeing System is still on Betamax.

But not even he could forecast the last minute goal from one of our former players that would level the game.

To cries of 'Offside' from the dubious goals panel that sits in my stand each week,
Stuart Fleetwood rounded stranded teen keeper Ed Hewitson and Oasis rolled the ball home from an acute angle.

In truth, the Ex-Martyr veteran forward had run from his own half and was living proof of
'simply Redditch' holding back the years.

However, I was dubious too but only because Fleetwood had never moved that fast for Merthyr before.

Perhaps his pre-match meal had given him a Wind Rush of his own.

Anyway, it was fitting that the much travelled striker should much travel to end our season on a bum-note.

A last 'ditch effort to be remembered.

In a season that has seen the infamous Merthyr Slough 5-4 capitulation, Black Friday and the loss of many true Merthyr fans, it was probably a fitting end.

But next season, whilst we will face the real prospect of a limited budget, we can still celebrate the continuing rising star of Ed Hewitson and the loyalty of homegrown talent, Morgan, Harris, Davies & Reddy.

And of course MasterChef Gavin Williams.

But mainly to celebrate the last ditch efforts of the Red Flag Martyrs and achievements of the interim board and local Council and volunteers as thanks to their Herculean efforts that we still have a Club.


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sun Apr 29, 2018 6:41 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Alcohol)

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