Ches-HAM Acting

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Ches-HAM Acting Empty Ches-HAM Acting

Post  Boz1964 on Wed Apr 11, 2018 2:40 pm

Ches-Ham Acting

If only Everton Chairman and Theatre Impresario, Bill Kenwright had been in attendance at Penydarren Park tonight, unlike the referee he would certainly have booked a few of the Chesham Players.

Not for their footballing skills but for his concert shows.

Now with Merthyr being labelled by certain sections of the Kings Lynn Fans as the
'Dirtiest Team' they have played this season,  I suppose a team can build up a certain reputation.

Which is a bit rich coming from an agricultural area where most of the East Anglian populi are busy chewing straws whilst ploughing the fields.

But to call Merthyr Town a 'dirty team' is an injustice.

As we have a 3G pitch, we no longer have muddy shirts and shorts- our cash strapped club has declared a 'Bold' move by saving on bills by not washing the kits from month to month.

That way we don't lose the King's Jewels in our Wash*

Boz Note: * How educational this Forum is....isn't that right Ownes.

There is of course the exception to every rule and that exception is Captain Marble-
Ashley Evans- who must have been a Great White Shark in a former life.

But back to the cast of the Chesham Touring Company.

Last night, there were more rollovers than the National Lottery.

It was amazing that no Merthyr player was charged with manslaughter, instead of the Home Fans, who were charged with man's laughter, as the Home Support watched the Chessmen go from rolling stock to laughing stock in three revolutions.

Of course it helps if you have an ineffectual referee, who just happens to have the surname Pratt and a near sided linesman with long vision and was more of a virtual spectator than 'Siri'.

I hope we charged them both an admission fee for watching the game.

The Chesham dungeons and Welsh dragons roll play was contagious too as Harry Franklin picked up the ball near the left flank, being very careful not to wake the sleeping linesman, and following a series of stepovers, just as he was about to shoot, dummied his own legs and promptly fell over for the best comedy moment of the night.

Mind you not everyone is made of the same diamond material as Jarrad Wright.

Some are delicate little flowers.

Whereas Jarrad is either blessed with congenital analgesia or is a cyborg, as our 'Arnie' never seems to shirk a tackle or complain to the referee when he has been fouled or lost a limb.

I reckon he has Novichok for his half- time beverage.

Of course there is also another guy in our side who can both give it out and take it.

I refer to the Merthyr Panther, Craig Reddy, who is proving to be an able deputy to the hernia suffering Captain Marble.

The local lion, who always plays with a snarl on his face, last night broke up more play than a school dinner bell and showed he has not just got defensive qualities but offensive ones too, as he was instrumental in setting up his speedy forward line for incursions into the opposing half, whilst repeating Bernard Manning jokes to his team mates.

The air was blue when he got caught by one tackle in the first half, which left him like Christy Brown, as he hopped on the remains of his left foot (or should that be paw).

The offence went unpunished by the Pratt in the middle,  just like a Boris Johnson lie.

Now I wouldn't describe Chesham as a physical side but they had a centre forward who when he entered the field of play was at least six inches bigger than our tiny subbuteo lads in all departments.

I would have sworn it was former Aston Villa and Norwegian forward John Carew.

But there was Norway it could have been him, as despite the Carew Cut, the professional footballer was sat next to future King William in Villa Park, as the Prince of Wales patriotically cheered the English Midlanders to victory over Cardiff City last night.

Apparently, the muscular frontman was called Jefferson Louis or after his headed opening goal Jefferson Starship by the Merthyr defensive line who were still busy seeing stars after his early challenge.

After the 13-1 thumping the Buckinghamshire outfit gave our cast of Grange Hill in October, and with the footballing equivalent of 'High Tower' from Police Academy up front,  they must have thought 'ain't no stopping us now'.

But last night's Merthyr Town were much a different team to those 'Chesham Heroes' who fought so hard but lost so spectacularly that it made the back pages of the red tops.

Whilst it must have been hard for our manager SuperGav to look in the 'Mirror' after that one, it quickly became a catalyst for a Valleys revival not seen since 1904.

If this 'baptism' of fire was not enough for the unhappy Hammer,  he has worked miracles on a shoe-string playing budget ever since that is akin to Conservative Austerity measures
(He is busy saving for next season's bootlaces).

But during this time neither the team spirit nor the quality of performances have dipped in such dramatic (Chesham) fashion.

And whilst I reminded the Chesham players that the Oscars were played out last month, there was still one present from that Away match who deserved an 'Academy' Award of his own.

I refer of course to that Child Prodigy, keeper Ed Hewitson.

At the tender age of sixteen, not old enough to buy alcohol except of course in Merthyr, this young lad has brought an enthusiasm and a beacon of hope in what has been a very dark season in the fledgling history of our Phoenix Club.

The youngster is attracting a lot of interest for his plucky performances but fortunately the rumours that Babbacombe Town had put in a bid for our 'model' keeper have proved unfounded.

In amongst the amateur dramatics, a football match broke out and both Chesham and Merthyr put together some lovely footballing movements with some excellent curling crosses coming in from United 7 Ravi Shamsi.

The flying winger had clearly been watching the 'Bend it like Beckham' videos, (or borrowed
Uri Gellar's boots) as their ferocious nature of his crosses took out the keeper's ability to come for them and with the aerial advantage of Jefferson Carew looked a certainty to add to their total.

But the Chessmen didn't have it all their own way.

Grandmaster Jarrad Wright struck one powerhouse shot over the Sicilian defence, which hit the bar harder than Ceri 'Georgie' Williams in the post Atalanta Era.

Kerry Morgan too was showing his class with raking passes and deft touches in equal measures illustrating he has lost none of his quality.

Captain Adam Davies was busy making some surging runs into the Chesham half and should have scored with one shot that went narrowly wide.

In truth, whilst the possession was as even as a rigged Brexit Referendum....split 52/48....Merthyr didn't really look like scoring, as Away keeper Hafed Al Droubi got his positioning spot-on and the Chesham defence looked more solid at the back than a constipated pensioner who has just swallowed a bottle of Imodium and sat on a butt-plug.

With the Home Support already down a Bishop ( Where WAS Ken?) a second half slip by Kerry Morgan let in vitamin C enhanced midfielder Oran Swales to outrun South Wales and fire the ball around the outstretched hands of Hewitson and into the far corner for a two- goal advantage.

At that point it seemed like checkmate to the Chessmen.

But cometh the hour cometh our Saviour.

The Gavver decided he would substitute Prosser for live-wire Corey Jenkins, mainly because he had a bet on him to win the 2:15pm race at Newmarket the following day but also because he had only reached the Loadlok five minutes before kickoff, after he had been forced to run to Kings Lynn and back to get his passport from the 'Walks Stadium' where he had left it on Saturday.

Suddenly, Merthyr had a greater aerial presence than the Gurnos, after a Free Sky Dish installation drive.

He produced more flick ons than Arthur Scargill's hairdresser and the Chesham defence started to falter for the first time in the game.

Merthyr should have got their opening goal after Player-of the Year- Elect, Ian Traylor hit an inch perfect corner which glanced off the Holy Beard and seemed goal bound only for keeper Al- Droubi to punch it into snack shack Chris Holvey's Pie Hole temporarily disrupting the supply of frozen chips.

But nothing can stop our Messiah from ascension.

It was his goal- poaching instinct that led the King of the Penalty Area adding his name to scoresheet as well as the hymn sheet.

2-1 down and Chesham were now on the back foot as Merthyr tried hard to equalise, with a combination of bad luck, the genius of Al- Droubi and the resolute United defence combined to ensure they didn't get the rub of the 'Danny Green'.

Before the end one of the Chesham players, whose head looked like it was on upside down , limped off with a genuine injury and poor Richard from board game Guess Who was admitted to an episode of 'Casualty'

It was a good job he wasn't playing in the mid-eighties or it would have been 'Holvey City'.

The match finished with both sides having a rapturous applause for a breathtaking match played in good spirits and some excellent football from both teams.

Once again, after the 13-1 defeat it was another case of unlucky for some.

But whilst the result wasn't what the 'Doctor' ordered, the performance from our Merthyr lads could not be faulted.

Let's hope once our financial stability can be achieved and creditworthiness restored, we might turn checkmate into cheque-mate ?

Whatever the result, I am proud of what the loyal crew of players, the Management and Board have achieved since 'Black Friday' in 'bailing' out our sinking ship.

And I am sure I am not alone.

Our own version of gamesmanship is to be admired.


Last edited by Boz1964 on Thu Apr 12, 2018 1:07 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Falling down)

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